According to Dr. John Gottman (who by the way has 40 YEARS of research), people make attempts to get attention, affection, or acceptance. It is a bid for emotional connection. “Will you play with me?” is an obvious bid, but not all bids are so clear. They can be verbal or nonverbal. How we respond to our child’s bids has a great impact on our connectedness with our child and how they learn to connect with others. Bids can be positive (turning toward), negative (turning away), and no response (turning away). By giving a positive, loving response to the bid no matter what form it comes in, can fill your child’s emotional bank. Here are 25 ways to promote connection with your child:
Look your child in the eyes when they are talking. Be attentive.
Verbally acknowledge all feelings. “You’re disappointed it worked out that way.” “You’re angry she took that from you.” “You’re feeling lonely and want my attention.”
Listen to hear your child
Connect before correct. Come with intention, listening, and patience.
Ask them about their favorite things.
Notice something new/different about them.
Give a ‘yes’ answer. “Yes, I would love to. Give me about 5 minutes to finish this up.” “Yes we can schedule that after this…”
Use “How come?” instead of “Why”
Be fun and act silly
Be ready for mistakes and brush them off
Show affection (hug, high five, cuddles, shoulder squeeze, written note, loving text message)
Put away distractions
Be concerned about what they are concerned with—even if it seems trivial
Say “yes” to play
Greet with enthusiasm- in the morning, after school, or after any extended separation.
Give a 30 second burst of attention. Pause what you’re doing and give 30 seconds of undivided attention.
Laugh about things at the same time
Tell a story about your child
Look at family photos together
Watch their favorite show or movie
Create Something together
Spend extra time at bedtime
Say something you love about them
Go for a walk
Listen to music together in the car