Coping is like an Inflatable Air Dancer

You know those tall, wavy air dancers outside stores? This week I was driving by Dusty Coast Sodas on Slide Road in Lubbock, TX. Their cactus inflatable air dancer caught my attention and spoke directly to my nervous system. Their intent was to lure me to pull into their drive-thru and order a soda. Instead, it waved a metaphorical message that I’m sharing now. These inflatable air dancers are wild, unpredictable, sometimes goofy—but they stay up as long as the air is flowing. That’s coping.

While the video above is neither a cactus, nor in Lubbock (we don’t have palm trees), it’s a visual nonetheless. Here’s how the metaphor plays out:

1. The Airflow = Your Coping Strategies

The dancer only stands because of the constant air being pumped in. That’s what coping is: the breath of support/connection, nervous system regulation, grounding, or comfort you use to stay upright during hard times. When the fan turns off, the dancer collapses—just like we do when we’re overwhelmed with no coping or regulation tools.

2. It’s Not Graceful, But It Works

The air dancer flails, dips, bends awkwardly—but it doesn’t fall. Coping doesn’t have to look smooth or polished. Crying, going on a walk (or crying on a walk); confiding in a friend, taking a nap, head-banging to music; using a sensory strategy, journaling—it might look messy, but it’s keeping you upright.

3. It Responds to Pressure and Wind

The dancer gets blown around by outside forces—just like we’re shaped by stress, trauma, or emotions. But with enough air inside (support and regulation), it adjusts and keeps moving.

4. You Need a Power Source

Coping takes energy. That power might come from relationships, routines, therapy, rest, and proper nutrition. Without that connection to something steady, it’s hard to keep your air flowing.

So if you feel like you’re flailing, that’s okay. You’re still standing. You’re still dancing.

Coping isn’t about stillness or perfection—it’s about movement, staying connected to your body, and showing up even when the wind hits hard.

Excessive Reactions in Youth Sports

Big emotions need coaching too! We often receive referrals for children whose emotional reactions are negatively impacting their relationships and sports performance. Let’s understand intense reactions in youth sports and find ways to support our children.

What Excessive Reactions Looks Like in Youth Sports (or any performance related activity):

Crying after a mistake or losing, slamming the ball, refusing to listen, yelling, shutting down

First of all, experiencing anger, frustration, anxiety, saltiness, and disgust are normal emotional experiences in sport. Strong emotional reactions in sports-like outbursts, tears, or frustration-are often signs of challenges with emotional regulation, not disrespect or defiance. These reactions aren't about 'bad behavior'; they're about kids learning how to cope with intense feelings in high-stakes, high-energy moments.

Emotional Regulation

Emotional Regulation is a dynamic process shaped by a combination of internal and external factors, with early experiences and the quality of caregiver-child relationships playing a particularly significant role in setting the foundation for healthy emotional development. Emotional regulation skills develop gradually throughout childhood, with initial foundations laid in infancy and toddlerhood through co-regulation with a secure caregiver. By around age 5, children are generally more adept at managing their emotions, and by 8 or 9, they often show much better control over their feelings by using cognitive strategies.

Emotions are part of the game

—let's help kids play through them, not punish them for feeling them.

Anxiety

"Anxiety is a normal part of competition. It's not a matter of whether or not you should have anxiety, it's about optimizing that anxiety so it works for you and not against you. I always tell people - and this is good, I think - the difference between anxiety and excitement is your interpretation of the arousal. The physiological arousal is literally, not kinda, the same." Dr. Kevin Chapman. Anxiety can look like anger when it is tied to performance and identity. A child could be concerned about the negative repercussions of playing poorly or losing. Their thoughts could be "I'm going to get ridiculed; I'm going to let my family down. If I play bad, I am bad. I can never live up to my parent's/coach's expectation."

The Role of Puberty

The advent of hormones paired with identity formation intensifies emotion. If a child doesn't have the necessary skills and the family has not modeled emotional regulation, your child will experience a hard time being able to tolerate stress, disappointment, and discomfort.

Competitive Parents

"We learn how to view sport, life, the classroom, achievement in general through the lens of our parents of origin or caregivers, depending on the context of the kid. So I learned to think about myself, the world around and my future - we call that the cognitive triad - through the lens of my family. Even if it's incorrect, until I get data later in life that refutes it, it's going to frame my childhood." Dr. Kevin Chapman

Ways to Support Your Child

1. Become curious about and discuss emotions: thoughts, behaviors, and sensations— to become an expert in their body cues

2. Practice brain-aligned regulatory strategies in non-stressful situations to build new brain pathways for stressful times. Brain-aligned strategies may include grounding techniques, breathing techniques, movement, or alerting sensory strategies such as ice, sour candy, bubbly drink

3. Teach muscle tensing/relaxation

4.   Become aware and mindful of your own (parent) emotional regulation.

5.   Model acknowledging your own parent emotions, verbalizing your coping strategy, and following through with it. Let your child experience you regulating your own day to day emotion.

Advocate for Your Child With a Coach

1. Start with partnership.

"We really appreciate your coaching and the way you support the team."

2. Share insight, not excuses.

"My child is working on emotional regulation-sometimes big feelings show up during games."

3. Offer collaboration.

"What strategies have you found helpful with other kids? I'd love to work together on this."

4. Keep it focused on growth.

"We're not expecting perfection-just opportunities to learn and be supported."

Kids thrive when the adults around them work as a team.

Key Points

•   Emotional regulation is a continuous process that develops over time.

•   Different strategies for managing emotions emerge at different ages.

•   While children develop self-regulation skills, they also learn from watching and interacting with adults.

•   Warm, responsive relationships are crucial for fostering emotional regulation in children.

• Normalize emotions. It's okay to feel frustrated, nervous, or disappointed.

•   Practice calming strategies. Deep breaths, body scans, or a reset routine.

•   Focus on effort, not just outcome. Celebrate growth and resilience.

•   Model emotional control. Kids mirror what they see from adults.

•   Debrief after games. Talk through what they felt and why.

Teens and Technology

By Katherine “Katy” McAlpine, MEd, LPC

What do most teenagers have in common these days? Smart phones. Most modern day parents are navigating the ins and outs of their teen children having access to the entire internet in the palm of their hands. Helping our teens navigate these developments in technology while keeping them safe and giving them autonomy can feel sticky sometimes. By reading this, my hopes are to help you and your teens come up with some harmonious plans for navigating what may seem at times uncertain technological waters. 

The first iPhone was released to the public in June of 2007. I (Katy McAlpine) was 15 at the time, about 6 months away from getting my driver’s license. I had a flip phone with a very limited amount of texts per month that I for sure, went over most months, driving my parents bonkers. There wasn’t even a camera or games to play! An iPhone wouldn’t make it into my hands till I was a sophomore in college, 5-6 years later. Preteens and teens these days will likely receive a smartphone as their first mobile device, typically between the ages of 10-13. 

Many parents are reporting either feeling overwhelmed by the technology their teens now have access to or feeling overwhelmed by the prospect of giving them a smartphone at some point in time. Let’s talk about the importance of access to technology and how to keep your kiddos safe while giving them the autonomy to have access. 

Teenagers are sharing that having smartphones helps them feel more connected to friends and out of town family. Teens are using technology for entertainment and educational purposes and for staying connected to the world around them, amongst other reasons. Our children even learn their schoolwork on and do the majority of their homework and test taking on devices, rather than pencil and paper. 

While many adults understand the importance of technology in our society and the importance of their teenage children being connected to technology, what parents of teens fear most tends to be exposure to inappropriate content, high levels of screen time, and unsafe cyber relationships/interactions or being preyed on by cyber predators. Here are some thoughts on how to establish safety while your teen is accessing technology and having collaborative and open conversations with them about it. 

Before giving your preteen or teen a smartphone, consider reflecting with your partner or co-parent about your motivation. Why are you wanting to give your preteen a smartphone? Are they in an afterschool or outside of school extracurricular or having sleepovers at friend’s houses? Do you want them to be able to contact you when they are at your co-parent’s house? Consider getting them a basic device such as those sold by Bark or Gabb. These devices let your child call or text only the contacts you’ve saved to the device and some have location services. You can feel a sense of security knowing they can contact you after their sport practice or if they want to come home early from the sleepover without the worry of them having access to the internet before they are developmentally ready.  

When it comes time to consider giving your kid a true smartphone or computer with internet access, having conversations with them about the importance of internet safety will be helpful. Help your teen understand what it means to have a conversation with a stranger over chat and give them some boundaries about internet etiquette. Set boundaries such as never giving away their phone number or home address and keeping private other detailed personal information such as gender, age, state they live in, or what school they go to. Have safety filters engaged on web browsers to limit access to adult content and talk to your teen about why you do that. 

When your child stumbles across explicit adult content and comes forward to you about that exposure, acknowledge your gratitude in them feeling secure enough to tell you. When they don’t tell you directly and you discover the exposure for yourself, being direct and compassionate with your teen is important. Acknowledge to them that their teenage brains are wired to be excited about novel content, that viewing pornography or otherwise explicit content can be both scary and intriguing. Help guide the conversation toward empathy and acknowledging why viewing such content can be harmful to their developing minds. 

Technology is an integral part of modern day society. Teens desire to be trusted with access to technology and parents want to give them autonomy to explore. Teenage minds are developing in a way that derives pleasure from novel and exciting experiences and technology is one way teens can receive that. We, as adults, can work with our teens to help them understand the importance of internet safety while having fun exploring something new to them. 

I’ve attached these resources as guides to having various conversations with your teens about technology. Some parents are navigating and assessing readiness before giving smartphones and some are navigating situations that have happened since having already given technology. My hopes are that you find these resources helpful in your journey as a parent with a teen! 

https://www.childrenandscreens.org/learn-explore/research/introducing-a-smartphone-assessing-readiness/

https://www.childrenandscreens.org/learn-explore/research/digital-addictions-a-family-guide-to-prevention-signs-and-treatment/

https://www.lookupnonprofit.com/techagreement

https://www.betterscreentime.com/am-i-ready-for-a-personal-device-a-self-evaluation-for-teens/

Conversation Hearts and Why They Matter

The History of Conversation Hearts

The evolution of conversation hearts has almost 180 years of history. The first American candy-making machine was actually first invented to cut throat lozenges thanks to pharmacist, Oliver Chase. His brother, Daniel, later discovered a way to stamp words onto candies using red vegetable dye. These candies, called “Hub Wafers” were surprisingly popular since they were cheap, durable, and lasted a long time. By 1901 the New England Confectionary Company started producing the heart-shaped candies. Throughout the years, they were considered a treat paired with a printed message that was enjoyed by children, expeditioners, soldiers, and loved ones.

“Written words are prevailing; at any time on any day, they can be read again, their comfort revisited, even from thousands of miles away.”

— Christie Bassett

With the fast pace of society and technology at our fingertips, our most loved ones can seem thousands of miles away sitting across the living room. One of the most important messages for us to hear from our children is “Play with me.” Their play IS their language. It is the way to discover SELF. It is the avenue to CONNECTion.

For International Play Therapy Week this week, we are giving current clients playful conversation heart tokens. (I should add, these are definitely a choking hazard, ARE NOT EDIBLE, and are meant to be kept out of the reach of young children and infants.)

Now that the disclaimer is out of the way, the intention behind these playful conversation hearts is to promote communication, connection, and PLAY in families.

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10 Playful Ways to Use Conversation Hearts with Your Child or Teen

1. Let your child lead and show you a way to use them in play

2. Use them in a sensory bin: kinetic sand, rice, pom poms

3. Play hide and seek with them

4. Keep a bowl of them in a central location. Your child can use them as a bid for connection or as an invitation to play.

5. Use them as paint stamps

6. Select a heart and take turns writing the words with fingers on each other’s backs

7. Have a play day with your teen that includes something you’re typically inclined to say ‘no’ to. The conversation heart symbolizes the commitment to the day.

8. Journal about one of the words/phrases

9. Play a version of Truth or Dare with your teen. Select a token, answer a question or complete a dare. For example if “move” is drawn, the truth question could be “what ways do you most like moving your body?” The dare could be that the person gets to tell you how to move your body. (There’s always consent and the opt out option on dares!)

10. Use it as an after school car ride conversation starter.

"My Child Brags and Has an Inflated Sense of Self. How Do We Help?"

Childhood Lying, Storytelling, and Truth-telling

Many parents would agree that honesty and truthfulness are essential virtues to pass to their children. Defining honesty can be subjective. Different cultures may place varying emphasis on honesty and truth-telling— depending on social norms, values, and factors within a community—which influences how parents prioritize it. Generally, honesty is considered a positive value, but the nuances of how and when to tell the truth can vary depending on cultural context. For example, some cultures may prioritize directness while others prioritize social harmony and feelings of others over absolute honesty.

As children develop cognitively, parents may feel challenged in knowing how to respond to both a blossoming imagination and to lying while also instilling the virtue of honesty. Parents may be tempted to use correction and discipline as a first response to an alleged lie. As with all behavior, let’s dig beneath the behavior of lying and storytelling to understand the function of both and your child’s needs. It’s important to differentiate between playful storytelling and deliberate attempts to deceive—which serves a function!

Storytelling, and more specifically for the purpose of this blog post, telling tall-tales refers to children telling exaggerated stories using vivid imaginations to embellish experiences. They are a typical part of childhood development and are a fun way for children to explore communication, language skills, and creativity without necessarily intending to deceive. During early childhood, imaginative play is a significant part of their lives. They might blur the lines between reality and fiction. Tall-tales don’t need to be treated as a lie.

Lying is communication wherein children use language to say something different than either what they believe or than what they are experiencing. The intent is to deceive for a purpose: access to attention; access to a tangible item, for escape, or for stimulation.

Would you believe me if I said that six-year-olds lie on average every hour! (The University of Waterloo conducted research that found 96% of young children lie at some point. They are currently seeking research participants ages 8-11 to examine prosocial lies).

Access to attention: some children who use typical story-telling may begin to notice their story-telling being a means to connection or attention. Others around them may reinforce and “reward” the story-telling by laughing, paying more close attention, or asking for more. Parents may want to consider their child’s sources of connection, show the same level of enthusiasm and attention to everyday stories, and label grandiose stories like this: “That is an interesting story you created for your day today.”

Sometimes “escape” is a function of dishonesty in order to protect a child—whether it’s to protect their physical safety, their ego, their relational safety, their autonomy, or their sense of “okay-ness.” These lies may show up in a situation that a child made a mistake, feels embarrassed about, is trying to protect, or feels disempowered. “Escape” may show up as children and teens seek independence, assert their autonomy, and make decisions.

Children will also “escape” the discomfort that comes from receiving a consequence, feeling separated from a relationship, or any of the negative feelings that might come from a situation they are avoiding. For a child who tells a lie as a function to escape, parents can reduce the need to escape. It might look like validating their thoughts and feelings, problem solving with them, and delaying an immediate consequence. Many parents will tell their child “I won’t be mad if you just tell me the truth,” First children need to feel relationally safe in their negative emotions with their parent. Oftentimes parents skip past emotions a child might be feeling, leaving a child to work through or try to understand their emotions by themselves. Acknowledging a child’s feelings does not mean that a parent agrees with or approves of a behavior—and it certainly won’t reinforce an undesirable behavior. Children need to experience emotional safety before they can rely on a parent’s response.

“It’s important not to ask a question when it should be a statement. If you know your child did something, asking it as a question only creates more of a window for dishonesty. Often times, kids can feel like we are setting a trap for them if we ask the question when we already know the answer. It is a way of modeling honesty ourselves when we own what knowledge we have.”

— Tessellate Child and Family Therapy

Children may lie to receive access to tangible items. If they learn that being dishonest gets them access to something, they will use that strategy to get what they want or need. Has your child ever lied about completing a chore only to find them playing their video game? First, make a statement, then use the ACT Limit Setting model by Garry Landreth in this scenario. It could sound like this: “I’m noticing the sink isn’t clean. (Acknowledge the feeling) You really wanted to hurry and play your game—cleaning the sink feels gross and boring for you. (Communicate the Limit) The video game is not for playing until your chore is done. (Target an alternative). You can choose to use this glove and clean the sink or choose to put on music while you do it.” If providing choices and problem solving isn’t working, you can communicate a final limit: “If you choose to not complete your chore, you choose too not play your video game today.”

Lying can also be a way for a child seeking more sensory input. For example, a child might say they don’t have homework to do so that they can play outside with their friends after school (both sensory input and a social need). Consider the function of lying as opportunities for children to either access the sensory input their bodies are craving or to limit the amount of sensory input for their nervous and sensory systems to reach homeostasis.

While we discussed 4 functions of lies, not all lies have an intentional purpose to deceive. We also need to consider typical cognitive development of children. Children’s understanding of truth and falsehood evolves as they grow. The development of “theory of mind” allows children to understand that others have different thoughts and beliefs—meaning they can create a story different from reality. Basic theory of mind abilities begin around ages 3-4. You can “test” your child’s developing theory of mind by playing hide and seek with them. If your child delights in telling the seeker exactly where they plan to “hide,” they have not fully developed theory of mind. There is significant executive function development in the brain between ages 3-5 and continuing throughout adolescence and early adulthood. Children ages 3-5 develop focus, inhibition, and simple planning. Children ages 6-11 develop more complex planning, working memory, and flexibility. Adolescents ages 12-18 refine executive funtion skills including time management, prioritizing tasks, and adapting to new situations. Lying also serves a purpose to learn about cause and effect: children are naturally curious about the world around them and may experiment with reactions and testing boundaries.

Generally, parents are concerned about lying in children because they want their child to develop empathy and to behave morally. Children’s ability to understand the feelings of others (empathy) develops gradually. Early on they may not fully realize the impact of their lies on others. Parents are the best models of empathy as they help children understand their own feelings. Chidlren’s sense of morality also develops over time. It takes time for children to learn honesty and its role in maintaining trust and relationships. Ultimately we want to raise humans who have a sense of self-love, self-esteem, and self-confidence.

“The importance is that we can discern WHY we are lying, whether it is appropriate based on our instilled values or an avoidant/harmful reaction that requires accountability, responsibility, and making amends.”

— Kiva Schuler, Jai Institute for Parenting

How do you deal with childhood lying? While there is no formula for raising capable, resilient, and confident children, there are several things to consider.

1. Consider child development. Consider your child’s developmental age, not chronological age. What is typical for this developmental age?

2. Connect before correct. This requires for the parent to do an internal check and remain outwardly composed to communicate safety and to facilitate eventual open communication.

3. Curiously dig beneath the behavior of lying

4. Make a statement or state facts about what you’re noticing

Is it acceptable for a parent to express theirdisapproval of intentional lying? Parents certainly can tell their child that honesty is an important value and how it can hurt trust in relationships. It can sound like “In our family, it’s important to know that we can tell the truth to each other so that we a figure things out together.” Children must experience THE PARENT as a safe person to tell the truth to. Parents can model honesty in their own actions and interactions. For example: “I made a mistake in a report I wrote for work today. I told my boss so we could fix it.” Discuss honesty as a core family value and the natural consequences of lying.

What are other ways to confront lying?

“I’m so glad you told me what happened. Let’s work together to sort things out.”

“I noticed that seems a bit different from what you told me. Can you help me understand what really happened?”

“Hey, I’m going to the kitchen to do some dishes. I’ll come back to see if you decide to change your answer to what happened. This is just a truth check.”

For adolescents: “You’ve gotten yourself into a really bad position. You are managing that position by lying to yourself which also involves lying to me. I’m going to set aside the ‘lying to me’ part for now, but you’ve got to figure out how to fix the problem you’ve created for yourself, and I’m here to help you.” (By Lisa Damour)

Other resources:

Lying, Sneaking, Cheating

When Your Children Lie

When Telling the Truth is a Bad Idea

Why I was Happy When my Son Started Lying

How to Get the Most Out of Your Experience with Us

Parents and caregivers are an integral part of a child or teen’s therapeutic journey.

Collaboration with your child’s therapist includes parent consultation sessions and communication that are best enhanced by openness, trust, and mutual respect . We understand the vulnerability you may feel as a collaborator. You are an integral part of this process.

Consistency in the therapeutic process sets your child up for positive outcomes. This includes consistent communication with the therapist, consistent scheduling, appointment keeping, and consistent application of learned strategies.

Therapy is quite an investment. It’s an investment in time, finances, and emotions. It’s crucial to have an understandingof the purpose and goals of the process and of any therapeutic intervention. Your therapist has the responsibility of providing that information and you have the responsibility of asking questions, seeking the information that you need, and advocating for yourself and your child.

There is no doubt the therapeutic process can feel uncomfortable and challenging for both you and your child in order for growth to emerge. As long as the process and therapist feel safe, you have an understanding of the intervention, you feel respected and valued, and the process will serve your child’s needs , you have a choice to make a commitment to the process. This is a time, financial, and emotional commitment. At any time you can discontinue the therapeutic process. We just ask to be mindful of your child and to collaborate with your therapist on how to best transition away from the process.

Finally, responsiveness is a key ingredient to positive outcomes: responding to and integrating that which you’re learning in the process and to therapist feedback and insights. The therapy process is not your child’s to tackle alone. For best outcomes, your responsiveness is not only welcomed, but necessary.

A Tale from Colorful Colorado

A couple of weekends ago I reunited with friends who live in south central Colorado—also home to both active and inactive mines of copper, gold, iron, and lead. As we hiked through the woods and dry river beds, one of my friends told a story about his excitement uncovering a speck of gold while exploring on a previous hike. When he examined the gold more closely, he removed his polarized sunglasses to humbly discover it was most definitely not gold. As he finished telling the story we all laughed, and I said that there was a lesson in that for all of us—to ask ourselves what do we see with polarized vision? If I have your attention, keep reading below…

Polarized sunglasses use a chemical filter to block horizontal light waves (glare) while allowing vertical light to pass through. Polarization divides. Polarized lenses provide more clarity since the glare is removed, but objects may be a bit darker than usual. Psychologist George Kelly observed that our beliefs are like pairs of reality goggles (or in this case, polarized sunglasses). We use them to make sense of the world and to navigate our surroundings. Our differences are due to how we interpret and predict the world around us. We develop personal constructs and a threat to these will crack our polarized sunglasses—leaving our vision blurred. George Kelly noticed that rather than trying on a different pair of “goggles,” we twist and turn until we find an angle of vision that keeps our current views intact. With polarized lenses, if you tilt your head sideways, the horizontal glare will pass through the glasses, making the surface look brighter. See example of head tilt below. ;)

Continuing on…we tend to interact with people who share our beliefs. Group polarization is a social psychology phenomenon where one’s opinions and attitudes are amplified by involvement in a group. “Peripheral members of a group fit in and gain status by following the lead of the most prototypical member of the group, who often holds the most intense views.” (Adam Grant in Think Again). Psychologists further find that many of our beliefs are cultural truisms: widely shared, but rarely questioned. Group polarization is found in the world of politics; investment decisions; social media platforms; academic environments, and parenting practices to name a few.

Back to my original question: What do we see with polarized vision? What is being divided? What’s the key to living in unity yet celebrating individuality? How can we collectively and colorfully coexist and embrace change? I do not possess those keys—but I find answers in nature (see above); I read books; I ask questions; I listen; and I remove my polarized sunglasses. Let’s start with a values check below.

What are your values?

Mark Manson in his book The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck says it quite frankly:

“Good values are 1) reality-based 2) socially constructive, and 3) immediate and controllable

Bad values are 1) superstitious; 2) socially destructive 3) not immediate or controllable.

You’ll notice that good, healthy values are achieved internally. Bad values are generally reliant on external events.”

Brene Brown takes a deep dive into values and in the power of resetting. If you want to examine your values, she has a Living Into Our Values exercise that you can check out here.

How can you become Curious and Ask Questions?

“It’s a rare person who wants to hear what he doesn’t want to hear." Attributed to Dick Cavett

Update your personal constructs by getting curious and asking questions. “Growth is an endlessly iterative process.” Mark Manson.

On our hike I noticed these lovely flowering plants with velvety leaves. I asked out loud if they were safe to touch. Not only are they safe to touch, but I was informed that the Mullein leaves are “nature’s toilet paper.” So with my curious question asking, I now have ass saving information to utilize in the future.

With Whom Can You Engage in Reflective Listening?

The most effective way to help others open their minds is often to listen.” Adam Grant

“It’s easy to think we’re listening when we’re really not. Instead of listening we are often waiting for [the other person] to finish talking so that we can share a thought that came to mind soon after they got started. That’s not listening, that’s turn taking.” (by Lisa Damour from Emotional Lives of Teenagers)

And let me tell you, many adults are not even good at turn taking. Adam Grant in Think Again goes on to say “Listening well is more than a matter of talking less. It’s a set of skills in asking and responding. It starts with showing more interest in other people’s interests rather than trying to judge their status or prove our own.” Journalist Kate Murphy writes, “We can all get better at asking ‘truly curious questions that don’t have the hidden agenda of fixing, saving, advising, convincing, or correcting.”

I adore these twirly seedlings. They are whimsical and purposeful as the wind carries them to establish new life. If we are brave enough to remove our polarized sunglasses, we are opening ourselves to seeing new light pour in. We might notice the sparkly twirly seedlings. May we also be open to updating our values, asking questions, practicing reflective listening, and thus being carried to new ground to begin growing again.

Happy Birthday Playroom Lubbock

n August of 2015 with a child starting Kindergarten and a two year old in tow, I opened the doors of the Playroom Lubbock. Just barely. The construction of my build out was not entirely complete, but with 7 clients and a fully furnished play therapy playroom, the grand adventure moved forward, evolved, and transformed over time. Each time a child steps inside our door I consider each one a grand adventure. Year 9 is full of possibilities, becoming, wondering, wandering, and finding our way along the way. Adventure was, is now, and awaits.

How would you complete this sentence: Adventure is______________.

For me, adventure is both a frame of mind and also a lived, breathed experience. Adventure is experiencing both being fully alive and fully human. Adventure comes in both small and large packages. It plays hide and seek in the unknown waiting patiently for us to bravely pursue it. Adventure can arrive to one recipient; can be shared amongst trusted humans; can be held and embodied by strangers sharing the same space and time; can be cultivated through a community willing to share in its delight; and can be discovered through the attributes and laws of nature.

The world breathes over me and anticipates for me to accept her offering of adventure. If only I pause to inhale, my exhale is my response and intention: to grab hold of the adventure (full of both uncertainties and wonder) OR to recognize when the adventure is not for me (yet or at all) and to let the wind carry it on.

Adventure is not without doubt, discomfort, mess ups, and second guesses. And when does adventure begin or end? After all it is not defined by the parameters of time. Adventure is in the preparation, it’s in the present, and it’s in hindsight.

Many of you may remember from previous emails that I embarked on an adventure to train for a triathlon this summer. The preparation most definitely contained doubt, mess ups, and second guesses. It also contained surprise, delight, confidence, and slow and steady progress. During the scheduled triathlon event, a new adventure emerged: physical, emotional, and mental fortitude.

And in looking back on the completed triathlon, I rediscovered the value of community and supportive friendships. If your people are not running the race with you, who is on the sidelines cheering your adventurous spirit on?

Lastly, adventure is transformative. The Middle English 1300s version (aventuren) meant “to risk the loss of.” You are not who you used to be before the adventure. By adventuring, are you willing to risk the loss of who you once thought you were? How can we view the subtle and drastic transformations in our lives as beautiful things?

For our birthday month at the Playroom Lubbock we want to offer opportunities for you and your child to experience adventure. One of my favorite memories of adventure as a kid included going to camp and making friendship bracelets. The rhythmic process of tying loops of thread felt comforting. Adventure is also found in the act of sharing, exchanging, and receiving of bracelets with others. For the remainder of the month current clients will receive a threaded friendship bracelet in honor of their adventure.

We have at least three more upcoming opportunities for adventure to offer our community (not exclusively for clients). Two of them are FREE. One is a reduced price!

Kids ages 4-10 can adventure on their yoga mats for a pop up Yoga Calm class where we will read Anna and Her Colored Yoga Mats—a book about friendship, happiness, and self-esteem.

We are collaborating with a new Lubbock business, Tutu School Lubbock, to host a FREE Pirouette Play Date for kids ages 18 months - 8 years old. Tutu School Lubbock is a boutique style ballet school that believes every child should have to opportunity to twirl, use their imagination, and develop their motor skills.

For adults working with or raising teenagers, we are hosting a FREE virtual discussion of the book “Emotional Lives of Teenagers” by Lisa Damour. Grab your copy and begin reading!

Check out our Events Tab for more details!

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Back to School Tips from Our Team

From Kelly Martin: The heart map is a craft idea to help your child who has anxiety about returning to school. Draw a large heart on the paper. Divide the heart into sections. In each section, draw pictures and write words of all the things that are great about school, focusing on the positive things that your child likes: friends, recess, Halloween parade, story time etc. While you are working on this craft, encourage your child to talk about what they enjoy. Acknowledge any of your child’s feelings that come up.
(*not an actual client’s work)

From Katy McAlpine: “If your kiddo feels anxious about being separated from you during the first day or weeks of school, here’s a tip to help them feel connected to you! With a pen or sharpie, draw a heart or other shape of choice on your child’s hand and one on your’s. Remind them that you’re always connected by your love for each other and when they need an extra reminder at school they can look down at their hand and see their heart. You can tell them that you’ll be looking at your heart today too and thinking about them❤️”

From our Graduate Student Intern Kathy: Arriving at school 10-15 minutes early each morning is a great way to build a connection with your child and create a positive association with school. Spend this time together playing fun games like I-Spy, Alphabet Hunt, Would You Rather or a simple word association. You can even create a morning scavenger hunt as you walk to the door. These moments can help your child feel more relaxed and associate school with fun, positive experiences.

Taylor Ballard provides this back to school tip: “Going back to school and getting reestablished in routine can bring on a lot of uncomfortable emotions. Anger, nervousness, anxiety, are emotions that can dysregulate our nervous system and make going back to school even more difficult. To help rebalance our nervous system, sometimes we need a bit of shock. This tip is simple yet can be very effective at doing what our body needs… it’s Ice! Putting an ice pack on our chest, chewing ice, taking a cold shower or bath, letting ice melt in our hand can help shock our senses and reset those intense emotions. Taking deep breaths and leaning into the uncomfortable cold helps us ground into the sensation instead of the emotion and we can have a clearer head in deciding how we want to move forward. Feel free to get creative in how you use ice or the cold to reset your or your child’s nervous system!”
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Taylor of Tailored Therapy provides services inside Playroom Lubbock.

Today’s tip is by Shalea Addison of Rise Up Counseling Services in Seminole, TX. She also offices inside Playroom Lubbock. “A great way to provide stability for your family is to create daily rituals that build connection. Whether it’s having breakfast together, reading a bedtime story, or even taking a short walk after school, establishing a daily routine can strengthen your bond and allow you to connect with your child regularly. Start with a morning routine to help start your child’s day off right. Mornings can set the tone for the entire day!”

Guidelines for Talking with your Child About Going to Therapy

Prepare your child about going to therapy by explaining what will happen and why. Knowing what to expect will help alleviate anxiety. Let your child know that they can talk to you about how they feel about their therapist and the process. Discuss with your child’s therapy during the initial intake session about how to introduce your child to the therapy process. Take a look at these age by age guides.

Responding to Backtalk

Who knows the feeling when your child or teen talks back to you? Do you notice how your body responds?

1. Tune into your own body’s sensations, thoughts, and feelings.

2. Consider the need behind the attitude. Hungry, tired, overwhelmed, underwhelmed, in need of connection?

3. Respond to your child from a place of stability and clarity—not from a flood of emotion/thoughts.

4. Set boundaries and prompt kids to try again.

5. Try some of these responses below—different strategies will fit different kids and situations. How we respond to and treat people (including our own children) matters!

It’s time for a change.

Science says it’s time for a change. Educator burn out says it’s time for a change. Behavioral challenges in the classroom says it’s time for a change. There are ways to build accountability, empathy, and persistence in students—and the basic foundation is SAFETY in relationships.

Do you want sustainable behavioral changes?

Expanding academic capacities?

Optimizing learning and memory?

Improved mental health for both educators and students?

“Our education system is working from a model that views behaviors in isolation of the child’s body, mind, and relationships.” Mona Delahooke

Ask me about our “Integrating Neuro-Relational Approaches into School Culture” workshop customized for your campus and tailored to meet both educator and student needs and well-being. Presented by Kelly Martin, MEd, LPC-S, RPT-S, she guides participants in both an experiential and didactic learning environment.

• Discuss student behaviors through a neuro-relational framework

• Distinguish causes of behaviors and develop strategies for student support and preventative relational discipline protocols

• Integrate brain-aligned teacher and student practices into the classroom

• Examine the SECRET template and adjust, modify, and accommodate student’s needs to ensure feelings of safety and connection

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The “Integrating Neuro-Relational Approaches into School Culture” is best suited for a 6 hour learning experience for teachers, behavior support staff, and school counselors. Abbreviated versions can be adapted for administrators and other stakeholders in a 3 hour workshop.

Contact Kelly Martin for a quote: kelly@playroomlubbock.com

Kelly Martin is a dedicated and skilled Licensed Professional Counselor Supervisor and Registered Play Therapist Supervisor with an exceptional 16 year tenure in the mental health field. Kelly possesses a strong teaching background serving as a current adjunct professor at Lubbock Christian University in the Psychology and Counseling Department; a sought after workshop presenter and group facilitator who has facilitated over 26 professional workshops and 2 group backpacking trips in the wilderness; a previously certified Texas educator with 3 years of classroom experience; and a previously certified Texas School Counselor with 4 years of elementary school counseling experience. She is a certified Level One DIR Floortime clinician. DIR Floortime is a multidisciplinary model most commonly used with children with educational, social emotional, mental health, and/or developmental challenges.

Kelly’s enthusiasm for child well-being is evident through her private practice at the Playroom Lubbock, where she counsels and uses play therapy with children and adolescents; supervises counselors in training; and provides support to parents and caregivers. Her dedication to understanding and advocating for children's needs underscores her passion for fostering positive growth and connections in their lives.

Kelly’s unique blend of experience, education, supervision and experiential training positions her to continue making a meaningful impact in the field of education and counseling.

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Turning Over a New Leaf

“Everyone I know starts again sometime in life. It is learning to accept the endings, to embrace the new beginnings, that makes all the difference. ”

— Joan Chittister

In the 16th century the pages of a book were referred to as leaves. This phrase and metaphor has been used since the 1500s to referring to changing course, starting afresh, writing a new page. Turning over a new leaf, whether intentional or forced, offers up a challenge: "to recognize that the circumstances of life are much less important than what we learnabout what it means to become fully human because of them." Joan Chittister in Called to Question: A spiritual memoir. 

"If i set my eyes on who i am becoming,
i can submit to the process of change
and commit to work
on my passions
on my capacities
on my mind
and on my body.
and, so long as i breathe, 
that commitment to next steps and newness
can last."

~ Justin McRoberts

The wilderness has become part of my (Kelly's) most recent pages. I have expanded my love of hiking and the outdoors to backpacking and camping. This summer I co-facilitated a women's backpacking trip with TrailBound Learning Co founder, Kayli Cross. In the backcountry of Colorado, 7 women and 1 dog covered 26 miles over 4 days of learning, stumbling, and gracefully connecting.

Three Weeks later I headed back to the Colorado wilderness except I brought my two sons to backpack in the San Isabel Forest and to raft the Arkansas River. Kayli, as the best therafriend she is, accompanied us with her dog Levi!

With this new leaf, "courage running wild" was written on our pages. It takes courage to adjust expectations. To adapt. To realize all that lays before you and to dig deep with your feet, your soul, and your paddle or pole. It takes courage to look up and breathe in the expansiveness around you. To question. To be fully exposed both on a mountainside's edge and fully exposed within the limits of your humanity with all your rawest reactions and physical needs. Courage runs wild to yield to rest. To allow joy and pain to cohabitate. To surprise yourself with possibility. To trust and lean on a rock or another living breathing being. Courage runs wild when you take the (bee) sting from out of nowhere and return to that place as your only means of returning "home." Courage runs wild when you say yes. When you say no. When you pause and wait out the storm. 

Courage runs wild when you poop in the forest. I said what I said.

"Every ordinary thing is infused with mystery." Barbara Holmes

How does courage run wild for you?

Parenting, caregiving, and teaching young people has a way of bringing us to terms with our own humanity (our strengths, desires, limitations). We invite you to turn a new leaf (page) in how you show up in the roles you serve in and the experiences you share with young people.

Here's a little guided practice--one that Kayli and I used with the participants on our women's backpacking trip. Find a piece of paper/journal and a writing utensil. It just makes this whole "turning over a new leaf" thing more tangible.

Sit with these prompts and jot down a few words to complete them.You decide  how to interpret each prompt.

I intend...
I bring...
I have...
I need...

And finally, I will leave you with some photos from backpacking and camping in the Rio Grande and San Isabel National Forests. Perhaps you’ll discover something mysterious in each of them!

The Road Goes Ever On: The Path From Childhood to Adulthood and All The In-betweens

There’s a road of development that we walk along throughout our lives. We start before we ever enter this world, weave our way through childhood and adolescence, and end up somewhere in adulthood (though that’s not the end of lifespan development!). Infancy and childhood is marked by significant brain and body development, beginning to learn how the world around us works and what our role within that world is. In adulthood, while our brain and body development are on their way to being complete, we find ourselves in a continuation of that lesson in understanding the world and our role in it, further solidifying our identities. While childhood is marked by great dependence on caregivers for our needs, adulthood is often quite the opposite; adults might find themselves in much more autonomous situations, making significant decisions for their own lives and having a grounded sense of self. 

“Adolescents find themselves craving autonomy and independence from their parents while at the same time, longing for the simple pleasures of childhood.”

— Katy McAlpine

In the middle of this road is the journey of adolescence. Adolescents, as defined by Oxford Languages, are “in the process of developing from a child to an adult”. As straight forward as that sounds, it’s a dance of growing out of dependence from childhood and into one’s own independence and identity.  Adolescents find themselves craving autonomy and independence from their parents while at the same time, longing for the simple pleasures of childhood. Adolescents are forming their own opinions about their lives and the world and yet, are still operating under their parent’s or guardian’s house/family rules and structure.

In order to move in step with an adolescent in this developmental dance so to speak, let’s first take a look at what research tells us is going on developmentally between the ages of 10-19 years old. Looking at lifespan development when working with teenage clients helps me, as a clinician, understand what’s going on in their brains that could be contributing to the choreography of their thoughts, feelings, and actions. Author, play therapist, and professor, Dee Ray tells us that 10 year olds typically think concretely and logically, have a “strong sense of right and wrong”, (from her book Therapist’s Guide to Child Development) and seek out emotional support through friendships. This age really seems to be the bridge for a lot of children between childhood and adolescence. We, as adults who interact with children regularly, see our 10 year olds choosing peer values over family values as this is the stage of development where they are really forming deeper relationships with their peers. 

Erik Erikson’s research on development aligns with this, through his Stages of Psychosocial Development. Erikson tells us that the stage of development for ages 5-12 is called Industry vs Inferiority. Our older kids in this stage are finding that their peer groups are becoming a major source of their self esteem. Children in this stage seek situations that help them achieve their goals. When children are successful in this, they feel a sense of industriousness whereas when they “put themselves out there” and are met with failure, they feel a sense of inferiority. The next stage, Identity vs Role Confusion is where our teenagers land. Individuals in this stage want to belong in society and are learning the “roles they will occupy as an adult”. This isn’t to say that we don’t continue shaping our identity well into adulthood, rather, this is the time we really start putting it all together and having a deeper understanding of ourselves. The hope for the end of this stage of development is that the individual will have a deeper sense of self, their values and beliefs, and how all this works together as they find their place in society. 

With this developmental information in mind, let’s consider what our preteens and teens might want us to understand about their lives. In my experience working with this age group, here are some things our teenagers want us, the adults in their lives (parents or guardians, teachers, counselors, etc.) to hear and understand about them. 

1. Being a teenager is both invigorating and at the same time so wildly tough. Teens are living in a world unlike any world their surrounding adults grew up in. With smartphone technology and instant access to world news, our teenagers are inputting significant amounts of information about the world around them. Teens want to be in the know about what’s happening across the globe, and at the same time, feel frightened by all of that information. They want to feel that there’s something they could do to make an impact and also want to know that they are safe. Having conversations with your teens, in age appropriate ways, about what’s happening in the world and what their views are on such events, can make them feel included and valued for their opinions.

2. It doesn’t feel good to be yelled at. Human beings are wired with a beautifully intricate nervous system, a network of neural pathways that does all kinds of things for our bodies, including signals to our brains when we feel threatened. Our nervous system might feel threatened when someone we’re interacting with raises their voice or clenches their fists. Finding a way to interact with teens, whether setting a boundary or expressing one’s own feelings about a situation, in a calm, emotionally regulated manner, may help interactions stay positive and your child more responsive. Taking a break from a heated conversation to splash some cold water on your face or sitting down and taking some deep breaths can help soothe your own nervous system and help you come back to the conversation with your teen in a more balanced state. “You know, my body is telling me it’s time to take a break. I’m going to go splash some cold water on my face, take a few deep breaths, and I’ll be back to check on you.” This models a way to advocate for yourself when needed and that you’ll be back to finish the conversation when you’re more able to stay present and receptive, rather than hot, angry, and reactive. 

3. Finally, your teenager might want you to know that being in this stage of life is conflicting at times and they’d like support, whether they verbalize that or not. They want to be ‘grown up’ and independent and they also want life to stay the same, or even, for it to go back to the way it was when they were little. They want to relish in the freedoms and mature responsibilities that come with being a teenager and yet they also want to soak up as much of their childhood as possible before it’s over. 

This road to adulthood is bumpy and often unpaved, sometimes the signs don’t make sense and sometimes they’re missing altogether. Sometimes all you want is to trudge forward, without looking back. Sometimes you’d like to find a nice log to sit on and just take a break. And other times still, you wonder if you’re allowed to go back. Having trusted and safe adults, along with some stellar friends, in one’s adolescent life to walk alongside you, makes the road a bit more manageable, navigable, and hopeful. 

“ It’s dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step onto the road, and if you don’t keep your feet, there’s no knowing where you might be swept off to.
”

— Bilbo Baggins (from Lord of the Rings by J.R.R Tolkien)

By: Katy McAlpine, MEd, LPC

Katy is a Licensed Professional Counselor at the Playroom Lubbock specializing in adolescent and young adult mental health.

Conversations about Evaluations, Medication, Disabilities, and Diagnoses

How do I have a conversation with my child about:

A diagnostic evaluation/assessment

Medication

A disability/diagnosis

• Discussing an evaluation process/procedure in advance can help put your child at ease.

• The functional age of your child may determine how much, when, and in what way you discuss an evaluation, procedure, medication, diagnosis, or disability.

• Use simple straightforward language.

• Discuss any concerns your child might have as a result of the evaluation/appointment. Normalize feeling scared, worried, or confused and that it is okay to express those feelings even for experiences that may not be scary for some children.

• Follow your child’s lead about how much he or she wants to talk.

• Consider using an established special code word for your child to use to indicate discomfort, pain, or something your child needs you or a provider to know.

• Consider creating a visual “wait card” sign that your child can use during an appointment to indicate a need for a pause in conversation. Wait card signs can be personalized with your child’s picture or graphic/character of interest.

• Whenever possible, use terms and images suggested by your child as long as they are not denigrating

• If your child asks questions, keep your answers short and to the point

• If you’re not sure how to answer a question, just say, That’s a very good question. Let’s write it down and ask your doctor/the therapist at our next visit

• For some children, similes work best. For example,  ADHD is like if your pause button only works some of the time.

• For some children, using play, toys, drawings, or books can help guide a conversation and express feelings

• Be careful not to let your own anxiety propel you to provide too much reassurance or express too much concern.

• Explain the changes they can expect. (Side effects, change in routine, etc..). When you explain changes, it sends a message that you are aware, attentive, and can be trusted to handle this with them.

• Keep check-ins brief following an evaluation, procedure, introduction of medication

• Use positive language. Consider using the words “help” instead of “can’t”. For example, “hearing aids help you hear.”

• Older kids are usually aware of what’s hard for them and why they’re being evaluated, especially if you’ve had ongoing conversations about it.

• When applicable, be factual and descriptive. We can name specific types of disabilities and medical conditions or use general terms such as disability or disabled.

• The most essential guideline for disability language is to use whatever words each individual disabled person prefers. Don’t use the terms “handicapped,” “differently-abled,” or “special needs”

• During appointments make a point to turn to your child and address your child directly. Model talking to your child rather than talking about your child. “The Doctor wants to know how you describe ___________. What are your thoughts on that?”

• Depending on the circumstance and respect for privacy, consider who needs to be told about your child’s evaluation, disability, or medication. Who is involved in your child’s system of support? What information do they need to know? How can you facilitate communication among providers or disseminate information to providers?

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Customize these Examples 

“You know how sometimes it’s hard to ____________(focus, pay attention, stay calm, etc)? Use whatever words—or describe whatever situation—you think will be mostly meaningful to your child.

“It is a way for us to come up with a plan that will support you in your ________(learning/growing/day to day needs).”

 “Sometimes behavior/intense feelings isn’t a choice. It’s a reaction to what your brain is telling you.”

“Doctors have medicines for all kinds of things to help people.”

 “Hey, since you’ve been taking the medicine/going to therapy, do you notice anything different? Do you think it’s helping? Anything you don’t like about it?”

 “We are all different in some way and that we all do things every day to adjust to our unique circumstances.”

“What are some ways in which we are similar?”

 “The assessment/evaluation isn’t really a test but a series of activities. Some of them could be fun. You won’t get a grade and can’t fail—even if you don’t know the answers to some of the questions or how to do an activity. Try your best because the evaluation will help us understand how ________ (you learn best or how your brain and body work). We might even find out if you’ll get to work with other teachers or specialists who are trained to help kids with specific things.”

 “What plan can we come up with together about ________(how to ask for help, how to take medication, how to prepare for the appointment etc)?”

How Does Play Therapy Help My Child?

Lubbock Adolescent Counseling: Play Therapy for Teens and Tweens

Play therapy is an evidence based practice for children and adolescents and has many techniques for counselors to perform. (Bratton & Ray, 2000; Bratton, Ray, Rhine, & Jones, 2005; Gallo-Lopez & Shaefer, 2005; Roaten, 2011).

Working with a teen is very different than working with an adult client due to biological, developmental, and psychosocial tasks. Developmental tasks of teens include: physical maturation, sexual relationships, peer groups, emotional development, formal operations cognitive development, and identity development.

Because of the development of formal operational thought, preteens often vacillate between play that is more common to younger children and activities that appeal more to teenagers.

Play therapy can benefit preteens and teens struggling with depression, abuse, grief, addiction, adoption, ADHD, trauma, family stress, anxiety, relationships, problems with peers, identity, self-esteem, sensory processing issues, body image, anger issues, parent’s divorce, autism, etc.

Rather than teens doing therapy, they EXPERIENCE therapy. It is an opportunity to safely distance the self from problems through activity, creativity and imagination. Using a teen’s interests through play, sandtray figures, and expressive techniques will stimulate the teenager's desire and need to be expressive and create identity--which is central to this developmental stage. The positive therapeutic relationship that develops between a teenager and a counselor brings healing, forward movement, and relief of emotional stress. 

Expressive arts are a great tool to address new thoughts and feelings or communicate and rework perspective. It can include art, music, or movement such as yoga or dance.

Games and activities can be used to deal with anxiety, power and control issues, self-esteem, relationships and difficult behaviors. 

Sandtray invites adolescents to explore the uncertain world between childhood and adulthood and to explore the internal world and subconscious in a creative way by choosing miniature figures to place in a tray of sand. Sandtray allows clients to become mindful and allows clients the opportunity to blend memories, fantasies, wishes, and emotions without verbal constraints. (Rae, 2013)

““Appropriately structured creative art activities provide preteens with opportunities to change perceptions about self, others, and the world as they try out new roles and solutions...Furthermore, [they] facilitate a process of self-development, providing the preadolescent with the inner resources to cope with future difficulties.”
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— — Bratton & Ferebee

Group therapy is quite effective for making friends, improving communication skills and learning coping skills from peers who experience similar challenges. When the opportunity is available to pair 2 or 3 preteens or teens, group activity therapy can be beneficial.

Trained play therapists can use play therapy with tweens and teens to

• Informally assess a client’s psychosocial and psychological functioning

• Build rapport

• Explore and facilitate expression a client’s inner world and emotions

• Build skills through psychoeducation

• Develop mastery, identity, and empowerment

• Relieve a client of stress