A couple of weekends ago I reunited with friends who live in south central Colorado—also home to both active and inactive mines of copper, gold, iron, and lead. As we hiked through the woods and dry river beds, one of my friends told a story about his excitement uncovering a speck of gold while exploring on a previous hike. When he examined the gold more closely, he removed his polarized sunglasses to humbly discover it was most definitely not gold. As he finished telling the story we all laughed, and I said that there was a lesson in that for all of us—to ask ourselves what do we see with polarized vision? If I have your attention, keep reading below…
Polarized sunglasses use a chemical filter to block horizontal light waves (glare) while allowing vertical light to pass through. Polarization divides. Polarized lenses provide more clarity since the glare is removed, but objects may be a bit darker than usual. Psychologist George Kelly observed that our beliefs are like pairs of reality goggles (or in this case, polarized sunglasses). We use them to make sense of the world and to navigate our surroundings. Our differences are due to how we interpret and predict the world around us. We develop personal constructs and a threat to these will crack our polarized sunglasses—leaving our vision blurred. George Kelly noticed that rather than trying on a different pair of “goggles,” we twist and turn until we find an angle of vision that keeps our current views intact. With polarized lenses, if you tilt your head sideways, the horizontal glare will pass through the glasses, making the surface look brighter. See example of head tilt below. ;)
Continuing on…we tend to interact with people who share our beliefs. Group polarization is a social psychology phenomenon where one’s opinions and attitudes are amplified by involvement in a group. “Peripheral members of a group fit in and gain status by following the lead of the most prototypical member of the group, who often holds the most intense views.” (Adam Grant in Think Again). Psychologists further find that many of our beliefs are cultural truisms: widely shared, but rarely questioned. Group polarization is found in the world of politics; investment decisions; social media platforms; academic environments, and parenting practices to name a few.
Back to my original question: What do we see with polarized vision? What is being divided? What’s the key to living in unity yet celebrating individuality? How can we collectively and colorfully coexist and embrace change? I do not possess those keys—but I find answers in nature (see above); I read books; I ask questions; I listen; and I remove my polarized sunglasses. Let’s start with a values check below.
What are your values?
Mark Manson in his book The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck says it quite frankly:
“Good values are 1) reality-based 2) socially constructive, and 3) immediate and controllable
Bad values are 1) superstitious; 2) socially destructive 3) not immediate or controllable.
You’ll notice that good, healthy values are achieved internally. Bad values are generally reliant on external events.”
Brene Brown takes a deep dive into values and in the power of resetting. If you want to examine your values, she has a Living Into Our Values exercise that you can check out here.
How can you become Curious and Ask Questions?
“It’s a rare person who wants to hear what he doesn’t want to hear." Attributed to Dick Cavett
Update your personal constructs by getting curious and asking questions. “Growth is an endlessly iterative process.” Mark Manson.
On our hike I noticed these lovely flowering plants with velvety leaves. I asked out loud if they were safe to touch. Not only are they safe to touch, but I was informed that the Mullein leaves are “nature’s toilet paper.” So with my curious question asking, I now have ass saving information to utilize in the future.
With Whom Can You Engage in Reflective Listening?
The most effective way to help others open their minds is often to listen.” Adam Grant
“It’s easy to think we’re listening when we’re really not. Instead of listening we are often waiting for [the other person] to finish talking so that we can share a thought that came to mind soon after they got started. That’s not listening, that’s turn taking.” (by Lisa Damour from Emotional Lives of Teenagers)
And let me tell you, many adults are not even good at turn taking. Adam Grant in Think Again goes on to say “Listening well is more than a matter of talking less. It’s a set of skills in asking and responding. It starts with showing more interest in other people’s interests rather than trying to judge their status or prove our own.” Journalist Kate Murphy writes, “We can all get better at asking ‘truly curious questions that don’t have the hidden agenda of fixing, saving, advising, convincing, or correcting.”
I adore these twirly seedlings. They are whimsical and purposeful as the wind carries them to establish new life. If we are brave enough to remove our polarized sunglasses, we are opening ourselves to seeing new light pour in. We might notice the sparkly twirly seedlings. May we also be open to updating our values, asking questions, practicing reflective listening, and thus being carried to new ground to begin growing again.
