Should my child see a therapist

It can be difficult to know when you and your child can work through obstacles and stressors together and when they might need the help of an expert. Significant life events can contribute to problems with behavior, mood, sleep, appetite, and overall functioning. Other times, what has caused a child to suddenly withdraw, worry, stress, or act out is not as clear. The brain was designed to interact so eloquently with the nervous system and the body. We can listen to behavior, somatic symptoms, and emotional responses as communication. Pay close attention to play, mood, and verbal or written statements for a glimpse into your child's internal world. Here are some indications (not a complete list) that that your child may benefit from therapy:

1. He's having difficulties at home, in school, or beyond. 

2. She's suddenly isolation herself from friends or activities. Be on the look out for statements such as "Everyone hates me" or "I'm a loser."

3. They’re regressing. When there are major changes in a child's environment, structure, or schedule, kids tend to regress to a previous developmental stage. Bedwetting, clingy behavior, whining, excessive fearfulness, and tantrums may signal a problem if they develop again and persist for more than a month.

4. She's incredibly sad, worried, or withdrawn. If the worry and sadness is interfering with daily function and routine, it may be out of the scope of normal feelings.

5. His sleep habits and/or appetite has changed. Symptoms such as stomach aches, trouble falling asleep, waking up in the middle of the night, nightmares, excessive headaches, or eating too much or too little may be indication of stress or anxiety.

6. They’ve developed self-destructive behaviors or impulse control is decreasing.

7. He talks about death or thinks about it repeatedly. Children typically develop questions or fears about death around ages 4 and 7. If a discussion about their curiosity or concern does not suffice, and questions and worries persist, talking with a mental health professional may be beneficial.

8. You notice signs of alcohol, drug, or other substance use. They’re engaging in more risky behaviors.

“Your body is a powerful intuitive communicator. Intuition allows you to get the first warning signs when anything is off in your body so that you can address it. If you have a gut feeling about your body-listen to it.”

— Judith Orloff, PhD, author of Second Sight

Just as your child's body and behavior are communicating a need, your parent intuition may kick in prompting you to make a call to a mental health professional. It's also helpful to speak to caregivers and teachers who interact regularly with your child. Discuss your concerns with your child's pediatrician, who can rule out any medical conditions that could be having an effect.

When In Doubt, Connect

A few words on what to do when you don't know what to do. The following blog post is suitable for anyone who has a relationship in any capacity with someone else. I hope that keeps it broad enough. In my practice I facilitate strengthening the parent/caregiver/child relationship. However, the following same principles apply to romantic relationships, friendships, teacher/student interactions, workplace relationships, etc...

It's not often that I quote myself, but when I do, it's because I struck a chord I needed to hear myself. In parenting or in other relationships we may find ourselves at a loss, confused, desperate, hopeless, discouraged, or hurt. It's in those times that we should respond with love and connection.

How do goals of behavior affect our responses?

I  frequently talk with parents about a child's goals for misbehavior--that behavior is goal directed and children are trying to fulfill a need. Adults do the same thing except our misbehavior looks differently, but is rooted in the same needs.

In our relationships and interactions with others, we automatically assign a story to our beliefs about ourselves, about others, and about our situations. These beliefs will trigger emotions which trigger a reaction. This reaction is trying to fulfill a need.

When we are are feeling discouraged, challenged, hurt, confused, or hopeless in our relationships, it would serve us well to reflect on what might be the other person's goal and what might be our goal.

Power/Control, Inadequacy/Fear of Failure, Revenge, Attention

1. Goal: power and control. The belief behind power/control is: I belong or I am valued when I am in control or proving no one can boss me. 

2. Goal: avoid inadequacy. The belief behind inadequacy/fear of Failure is: I don't believe I can belong so I'll convince others not to expect anything from me. I am helpless and unable. It's no use trying because I won't do it right. OR I will do everything I can to avoid being perceived as inadequate.

3. Goal: hurt, get even. The belief behind revenge is:  I'll hurt others as I feel hurt. I can't be liked or loved.

4. Goal: attention. The belief behind attention is: I am valued only when I am being noticed. I'm only important when I'm keeping you busy with me.

What's the best response?

To change a negative attitude you're holding about an individual, you'll need to uncover the underlying belief or goal that's creating your unhappy feelings. Begin by asking whether you believe people, in general, are doing the best they can. Researcher Brene Brown has discovered that believing that you and others are doing the best you can requires compassion. "You may not be absolutely sure about the intention behind someone's behavior, including your own. But being compassionate is about cultivating the attitude that normally people do their best with the tools they have. Compassion allows us to believe that we can all learn from our mistakes, enabling us to grow and change." (ThePropelPrinciples.com)

What's the most generous possible interpretation of the intentions words, and actions of others? (Brene Brown)

Equally, what's the most generous possible interpretation of our own actions? 

1. Identify goals of behavior with the most generous possible interpretation.

2. Evaluate whether your reaction is responding to their need/goal AND whether your reaction is self serving your goals of behavior. Are you reacting out of your own sense of inadequacy, need for control, from feeling hurt, or to be recognized?

When in doubt, do something that connects or communicates love.

When we feel at a loss for an appropriate response or don't have the time or emotional energy to calculate goals or beliefs, respond in a way that connects, preserves a relationship, or communicates love. (Remember, another person's response to your extension of connection does not determine your adequacy or value).

Offering connection or love does not imply permissiveness nor does it allow someone to take advantage of or walk all over you. Brene Brown recommends Living BIG: Boundaries, Integrity, Generosity. "Setting boundaries means getting clear on what behaviors are okay and what's not okay. Integrity is the key to this commitment because it's how we set those boundaries and ultimately hold ourselves and others accountable for respecting them." (Brene Brown, Rising Strong).

Raising Confident, Capable Kids in a Performance Filled Culture

“Children who come to believe that our love, praise, or affection is contingent on their pleasing us and doing what we want them to do become the most vulnerable of all people.”

— Raising Self-Reliant Children in a Self-Indulgent World (Glenn and Nelsen)

I have been silently taking inventory of our culture's and many families' perceptions of performance and raising confident/capable kids. What stands out the most is the unintentional reinforced value that performance has on self-worth. What also stands out are misconceptions of grace and confidence which affect children's perceptions of life and faith.

Before we dive in, you must understand as parents, that it is never too late to make improvements. We are easily caught up in performance based parenting and feeling the shame and guilt of not parenting the way we "should" or the way others do. We equate our parenting performance with our self-worth as a parent. We begin to parent out of fear of inadequacy instead out of grace and confidence.

“We grow and change much faster when we shed discouraging thoughts about what we have failed to accomplish.”

— Raising Self-Reliant Children in a Self-Indulgent World (Glenn and Nelsen)

To get all of us started in making some improvements, I will be referencing and pulling out pieces from these resources: Raising Self-Reliant Children in a Self-Indulgent World (Glenn and Nelsen) and What's So Amazing About Grace? (Philip Yancey).

In today's culture we are bombarded with opportunities and pressures for our kids to perform or to prove their abilities. How do we carve out self-confidence, self-validation, self-discipline, good judgement, and a sense of responsibility in our children? These capabilities can be nourished in young people through  1. networking 2. finding meaningful roles 3. exploring 4. celebrating 5. setting limits, 6. developing self-control and 7. modeling grace.

First let's understand "perception." When we think through our experiences, we form conclusions about ourselves and our lives (perception). Children make decisions about themselves based upon their experiences. They think about what they need to do to survive or thrive. When a child's perceptions are threatened or when their perceptions are not consistent with the environment, their brain reacts, which sends a signal to their body to react. You've heard of fight, flight, or freeze. Read more about brain science and behavior here.

Perceptions are unique. Perceptions are keys to attitudes, motivation, and behavior. Perceptions must first be supported and challenged in order to change.

Glenn and Nelsen in Raising Self-Reliant Children in a Self-Indulgent World suggest ways of helping children process their experiences and examine their perceptions.

1. Identify: What are the important parts of the experience? What happened? What was the outcome? What were your feelings? What was most important?

2. Analyze: Why was that important to you? What were you trying to do?

3. Generalize: How can you use this information next time? What do you need to repeat to achieve the same outcome?

Nourishing Your Child's Capabilities

Networking

“The simplest of all networks is friendship.”

— Raising Self-Reliant Children in a Self-Indulgent World (Glenn and Nelsen)

People are tribal creatures designed for relationships. We excel when we collaborate, teach, affirm, and encourage each other. Who is in your tribe with whom you can dialogue about the world, about life, and about kids?

Finding Meaningful Roles

“Today we need to deal with our young people actively in ways that cause them to believe they are significant contributors rather than just objects or passive recipients of our activities.”

— Raising Self-Reliant Children in a Self-Indulgent World (Glenn and Nelsen)

As children find meaningful roles in their family and in their social groups, they develop a sense of importance and personal significance. Focus, direction, a sense of ownership, all help to foster this perception of personal significance. When we listen to our children and take them seriously, we can restore collaboration with them. What are some ways you can offer meaningful roles to your children? How can you incorporate family meetings into your routine? What ritual, tradition, or activity can you devote weekly time?

“The need to be needed is often more powerful than the need to survive.”

— Raising Self-Reliant Children in a Self-Indulgent World (Glenn and Nelsen)

Exploring

“Experience, especially one that’s reflected on, is a far more effective teacher than parents could ever be.”

— Raising Self-Reliant Children in a Self-Indulgent World (Glenn and Nelsen)

Too often parents or caregivers step in prematurely instead of allowing a child to do for himself or to experience for himself. When parents are too quick to offer an explanation or expertise, the child is left feeling vulnerable or intimidated. They may form the perception of: I am not capable unless they are here. What would happen if they were not there? Rescuer parents rescue children from inadequacy and then enable them to remain vulnerable. 

By helping our children explore their experiences, they will develop confidence in their ability to learn and problem solve.

Celebrating

When we recognize effort and progress, we get more results.  Sometimes we unintentionally set up a trap for our children by steering them to be independent and then objecting to their way of doing things. Instead, encourage children with specific feedback and acknowledgement of effort.

When we praise the performance or praise the results, we lose sight of the individual and her effort and contribution. Examine how you celebrate your own successes or how you evaluate your mistakes. Do you communicate that self worth and self control are independent of external circumstances?

Setting Limits

“Setting limits is an exercise in using our wisdom and experience to anticipate possible problems and solve them in advance.”

— Raising Self-Reliant Children in a Self-Indulgent World (Glenn and Nelsen)

Too often we wait until after something has gone wrong to decide what we'll do about it. We often react with anger and say meaningless things. Determining limits together with a child before a situation occurs will help your child's sense of control remain intact. Using firmness and respect to communicate and follow through with a limit provides opportunity for your child to honor the limit and exercise self-control. 

Developing Self-Control

Our children's capability to recognize and acknowledge personal feelings directly affects their ability to select an appropriate behavioral response to a feeling.

“Once children become comfortable with the notion that their feelings are, as are the feelings of others, a legitimate, worthy part of their lives, they are ready to take the next step-to self-control. ”

— Raising Self-Reliant Children in a Self-Indulgent World (Glenn and Nelsen)

Developmentally around eight years old, most children are capable of controlling impulses that bring immediate gratification and instead choosing a behavior that achieves a goal.

Philip Yancey in What's So Amazing About Grace chooses the word gratitude for motivation for "being good." We want our children to strive to do well and to have self-control--not to make their parents or God love them (we already do), but because of gratitude and a sense of love within a relationship. 

Modeling Grace

“By instinct I feel I must do something in order to be accepted. Grace means there is nothing we can do to make God love us more. And grace means there is nothing we can do to make God love us less.”

— What's So Amazing About Grace? (Phillip Yancey)

Take the initiative to model grace by laying down retribution or fairness. Reinforce your love for your children regardless of performance or behavior. Speak truth and life into your children. Speak to who they are becoming. Forgive. Lay down all of your needs for gratitude and compliments.

We are modeling grace when we allow our children to operate from within themselves, to practice self-control, to explore experiences and opportunities, and to practice their abilities. Regardless of performance or failures, we can gracefully communicate to our children through our attitudes, words, modeling, and forgiveness that they are worthy of unconditional love. This sets the stage for them to explore faith, accept spiritual grace, and to realize their greater worth.

Next Steps

You've read through all of this information, now ask your self "What is the most important thing I've come to realize? What behavior change do I want to make? Why is this realization important right now? How can it make a difference in my life or my child's life? Where do I want to first apply it?"

Complete the following statement: As a result of this awareness, the first thing I will do at the first opportunity is....

Flipping Your Lid

Neuroscience is a 'Piece of Cake'

Flipping a lid. Blowing a gasket. Freaking out. Having a cow. Losing your cool. You've heard similar (or worse) idioms. Scientifically, what we intend to say is that our emotions are overriding our prefrontal cortex. Dr. Dan Siegel illustrates the brain using the Hand Model of the Brain and gives us insight into flipping our lids in his book The Whole Brain Child. When parents and children notice and begin to understand the brain, they can change what the brain does.

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When the prefrontal cortex is engaged and hugging the limbic system nice and snug (closed fist), we are in tuned to others, flexible, and balanced. Our emotions are regulated. When our limbic system (which controls our emotions) feels threatened or when our "buttons are pushed," it overrides the prefrontal cortex. At this point, the prefrontal cortex can no longer respond because the brain stem and limbic system are reacting--which can be frightening to those around us. We lose reasoning.  We lose flexibility. This is where we "flip our lid." (See open hand). A fight/flight/freeze response is on the brink of occurring which in turn may trigger someone else's lid to flip.

Making a Repair

When we realize our emotions are creeping up and pushing on that "lid," we can make a repair. "Name it to tame it" is the secret password to "hold your horses" and engage the prefrontal cortex to respond appropriately and functionally. Both adults and children can learn to identify what the feeling is like just before their lid flips, and in turn, identify what action to take to make a repair: taking a break? breathing? counting? blowing bubbles?  Name that feeling. Name that emotional reaction bubbling up and tame it.

Find empathy

When we notice someone (perhaps your child) has "flipped his lid" it can help to understand that person's point of view. What is this person experiencing? What is this child feeling? How can I show this person that I hear and understand what he/she is saying and feeling? This shift of perspective creates empathy and a safe, nonjudgmental avenue for that person to tame the emotion and "put a leash on it."