Responding to Backtalk

Who knows the feeling when your child or teen talks back to you? Do you notice how your body responds?

1. Tune into your own body’s sensations, thoughts, and feelings.

2. Consider the need behind the attitude. Hungry, tired, overwhelmed, underwhelmed, in need of connection?

3. Respond to your child from a place of stability and clarity—not from a flood of emotion/thoughts.

4. Set boundaries and prompt kids to try again.

5. Try some of these responses below—different strategies will fit different kids and situations. How we respond to and treat people (including our own children) matters!

Promote Connection with Your Child

According to Dr. John Gottman (who by the way has 40 YEARS of research), people make attempts to get attention, affection, or acceptance. It is a bid for emotional connection. “Will you play with me?” is an obvious bid, but not all bids are so clear. They can be verbal or nonverbal. How we respond to our child’s bids has a great impact on our connectedness with our child and how they learn to connect with others. Bids can be positive (turning toward), negative (turning away), and no response (turning away). By giving a positive, loving response to the bid no matter what form it comes in, can fill your child’s emotional bank. Here are 25 ways to promote connection with your child:

1. Look your child in the eyes when they are talking. Be attentive.

2. Verbally acknowledge all feelings. “You’re disappointed it worked out that way.” “You’re angry she took that from you.” “You’re feeling lonely and want my attention.”

3. Listen to hear your child

4. Connect before correct. Come with intention, listening, and patience.

5. Ask them about their favorite things.

6. Notice something new/different about them.

7. Give a ‘yes’ answer. “Yes, I would love to. Give me about 5 minutes to finish this up.” “Yes we can schedule that after this…”

8. Use “How come?” instead of “Why”

9. Be fun and act silly

10. Be ready for mistakes and brush them off

11. Show affection (hug, high five, cuddles, shoulder squeeze, written note, loving text message)

12. Put away distractions

13. Be concerned about what they are concerned with—even if it seems trivial

14. Say “yes” to play

15. Greet with enthusiasm- in the morning, after school, or after any extended separation.

16. Give a 30 second burst of attention. Pause what you’re doing and give 30 seconds of undivided attention.

17. Laugh about things at the same time

18. Tell a story about your child

19. Look at family photos together

20. Watch their favorite show or movie

21. Create Something together

22. Spend extra time at bedtime

23. Say something you love about them

24. Go for a walk

25. Listen to music together in the car

Communication and Connection With Our Kids

We as adults often wonder how to best communicate with the tiny humans in our lives, whether they are our own children, nieces or nephews, our best friend's kiddos, or the kids we work with on a daily basis. Each child communicates in a way that works best for themselves and how they are developing and it can be difficult to understand what they are needing or wanting from you as an adult. Being able to communicate effectively with the tiny humans in our lives is essential to them feeling heard and understood. 

The book, How To Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish, is a helpful tool to understanding the intricacies of childhood communication. It also contains helpful and amusing cartoons that show healthy and effective communication styles. In this article, I will review and highlight some important pointers from the book that may help you understand and communicate more effectively with the tiny humans in your life. 

The first thing the book talks about is helping children deal with their feelings. Feelings are part of everybody's everyday life and it shouldn't come as any surprise to know that children experience emotions just like we do. They are going through a whole new experience in life: constantly changing, growing, and developing. These new experiences can be really exciting but often also really overwhelming. One of the authors writes, "steady denial of feelings can confuse and enrage kids". When learning to communicate with children, it is essential to listen to what they are feeling. 

Our authors suggest four tips on helping with feelings and they include: 

1. Listen with full attention 2. Acknowledge their feelings with a word: "oh, I see, mmhmm" 3. Give their feelings a name: "you're feeling angry", "you're feeling sad" 4. Give them their wishes in fantasy: "you wish you could go take a nap right now because you're so sleepy" 

While, given certain situations, these tips may not be easily employed, they may be a good place to start. 

Another topic the book talks about is engaging cooperation. Sometimes, it can feel useless asking or telling your child to do something you want them to do. You try every means of communication you know and they still don't listen or obey. So how do we get our kiddos to listen to us and cooperate with what we are trying to say? 

Faber and Mazlish list some tips here to help engage cooperation: 

1. Describe what you see or describe the problem: "the light is on in the bathroom" 2. Give information: "walls are not for writing on, paper is for writing on" 3. Say it with a word: "Jill, your lunch!" (in this instance, less is more) 4. Talk about your feelings: "I feel so frustrated when I start to say something and can't finish." 5. Write a note: written on the bathroom mirror "Help! Hairs in my drain give me a pain!" 

Engaging with the children in your life at any age allows them to feel heard and gives them the space to learn how to work with you. 

Learning these and other communication tips can be helpful in understanding your children and working with them in a healthier manner. Every child desires to be heard and every adult wants to be able to understand them. If you are a parent or an adult who works with or interacts with children regularly, you might find books such as this one helpful in communicating! 

The women who wrote this book also wrote one on interactions with teens called How To Talk So Teens Will Listen & Listen So Teens Will Talk. A lot of the same communication skills are written about but from the perspective of talking to teenagers. 

Reference: Faber, A., & Mazlish, E. (1999). How to talk so kids will listen & listen so kids will talk:with a new afterword: "the next generation" by Joanna Faber. New York: Scribner.

By: Katy McAlpine, MEd, LPC-Intern

(Under the Superivision of Kelly Martin, MEd, LPC-S, RPT-S

How to Handle Hitting and Biting

There is a message in the misbehavior of hitting and biting. It's normal for toddlers and preschoolers to have difficulty managing big feelings and impulses. Often times we misinterpret a child's aggression as being intentional or an attempt to manipulate. Instead, look at aggression as your child's way of communicating. Our young people are still developing vocabulary and do not have the skills to sophisticatedly express overwhelming feelings. Hitting and biting can be a child's way of saying "I need space!" or "I'm jealous that you are playing with that!" or "I want to make my own choices!" Biting may also be an attempt for a child to experiment and test his body's capabilities.

Here are ways to offer your support for your child's emotional development when he or she is hitting or biting.

1. React calmly. When you witness or hear about your child hitting or biting, your first reaction may be tensing your body, heart racing, or your face feeling hot. Breathe and exhale and gently move your child away from the situation. Attend to the child who was hurt with empathy and tenderness.

2. Prepare. Watch your child carefully and take mental notes of things that seem to make your child feel stressed, overwhelmed, frustrated, or sad. Look for patterns such as in transitions, time of day, and other triggers such as overstimulation. Frequent biting in toddlers and older children can often be related to sensory processing issues and an attempt to receive oral stimulation.

3. Use empathy. Use feeling words to build your child's emotional vocabulary. "You're so disappointed that it's time to go!"

4. Set the limit and teach. "You wanted a turn on the slide. Your hands are not for hitting. Next time you can say, Can I have a turn please?" or "No biting-biting hurts! Teeth are for food!"

5. Redirect: Sometimes our children need our support to make a healthy choice. It may mean gently intervening mid-swing at another child. Try using humor and being light hearted "Woah, we're not painting on people today silly, only paper!" Find an alternative for a child to bite when she feels the urge: chewies, ice, biting blanket.

6. Repair. Many natural reactions are to follow up with punishment, but instead, use this time for connection and learning. Give a hug. Sit quietly for a few minutes. Evaluate your child's needs: hungry? tired? Once your child is calm, talk about what happened by putting feeling words into the situation. Forced apologies are meaningless. Build empathy in your child by asking him or her what might make the hurt child feel better.

7. Use connection. If you feel your child is acting aggressively for attention or connection, give him lots of undivided attention throughout the day. Read a book, draw together, allow your child to help with simple tasks, create special moments together.

8. Consider speech and language milestones. Often times a child feels frustration in communication. Is your child meeting his milestones in speech and language?

9. Repeat: Spending time helping your child build the skills and vocabulary is time well spent. Healthy habits may take time to develop.

(Tips compiled from imperfectfamilies.com; Ages and Stages in Parents magazine).

Connecting With Your Child Through Play

“Play can be the long-sought bridge back to that deep emotional bond between parent and child.  Play, with all its exuberance and delighted togetherness, can ease the stress of parenting. Playful parenting is a way to enter a child’s world, on the child’s terms, in order to foster closeness, confidence, and connection.”

— Lawrence Cohen

Children need to play. It’s their work and way of learning skills, making sense out of their world, and processing their emotions. Children release complicated emotions through play. Laughter specifically reduces stress hormones and increases bonding hormones. Laughter can quickly restore an affectionate connection between adult and child. Play helps parents and kids feel closer, helps kids learn lessons better, and increases cooperation.

Connecting with your child through play can be as little as 2 minutes or as long as 10-20 minutes. Here are some ideas to help you get started.

1.     Play hide and seek

2.     Hold your child in your arms and dance

3.     Play a tunnel activity (similar to London Bridge)

4.     Give a pillow ride (sit on a big floor pillow as you drag him/her around the room, maintaining eye contact)

5.     Play catch! Roll a ball back and forth, bat a balloon back and forth

6.     M&M hockey (use bendy straws and blow M&Ms across the table, then the opponent feeds the person who scores a piece of candy)

7.     Play toys (follow your child’s lead, refrain from asking questions, use undivided attention)

A Child's Self-Talks Begins with You

Disney's new Christopher Robin was just released and I couldn't help but chuckle at this conversation exchange between Winnie the Pooh and Christopher Robin. It reminded me of what I have recently attempted to encourage parents to do with their own kids to develop self awareness and self concept.

“The way we talk to our children becomes their inner voice.”

— Laurie Hollman

Children hear our voices in their minds. Our words and language have a powerful effect. Children absorb our words, tone of voice, gestures, and messages.

As inner speech (self-talk) develops, it is used as a tool for learning. Vygotskian theory emphasizes that in early childhood, languages merges with thoughts (cognitions) in a new way so that children can use private speech (self talk) as a tool for guiding, planning, and regulating their own thinking and behavior. Early on a child relies on adults' external verbal instruction to begin or stop actions. Later in development, children are able to use internal verbal signals to control actions.

Recently I have encouraged parents to use a form of parallel talk to help their children develop an awareness of what is occurring simultaneously in the environment and within the child. Once a child has an awareness of what is occurring, she or he can use the assisted self talk to guide, plan, and regulate his or her own behavior and emotions. Parallel Talk is a technique in which the adult describes what the child is doing or seeing. In play therapy we call this tracking. The therapist describes in a literal, non-interpretative way, what is happening in the playroom to communicate to the child the therapist's presence and attention, and to facilitate awareness. The therapist is putting words (language)  into a child's play experience to deepen understanding and processing.

Faber and Mazlish talk about 2 techniques to encourage cooperation in their book "How to Talk so Kids Listen and Listen so Kids Talk."

Describe what you see

1.  Describe what you see, or describe the problem. It’s hard to do what needs to be done when people are telling you what’s wrong with you. It’s easier to concentrate on the problem when some one just describes it to you.

"There's a wet towel on the bed."

"There is only one doll stroller and you both want the same one."

"There are lots of kids in here and it's loud."

"When you asked nicely for the toy, your brother gave it to you."

"You started helping your sister, and she had a big smile."

"Your fists are clenched and you feel like hitting something."

Give information

2.  Information is a lot easier to take than accusation. When children are given information, they can usually figure out for themselves what needs to be done.

“The towel is getting my blanket wet.”

"Your brother really feels frustrated when toys get taken away from him."

"The drink is starting to spill when walking fast."

"Your shoes are in the hallway. Your dad really appreciates when they are put away."

"The bubble wrap or egg carton (for tearing up) is in the pantry."
 

---

“Be a thermostat, not a thermometer. ”

How we react to children's' emotions in situations is important. Our children are highly attuned to a parent's emotions. A thermostat keeps the temperature of a room at a constant temperature. The thermometer rises and falls with the temperature. The more calm and compassionate we are in reacting to our children, the more resilient they become in handling their own emotions. Perfectly attuned parents do not exist, though. A child development expert and Associate Professor of Pediatrics at Harvard University found that even the "best" parents are only attuned to their children 30 percent of the time. We can't expect to be perfectly in sync with our children at every moment, but we can recognize our current state, and remind ourselves that every reaction we express is absorbed by our children, shaping their self talk and their view of the world and of themselves. The more attuned we are to ourselves, the better able we are to react sensitively to our children. Perfection is impossible. Reflection helps us do better as parents.

Provide Encouragement

Encouragement invites self-evaluation and facilitates positive self talk. 

“Encourage the deed, not the doer.”

— Rudolf Dreikurs

Instead of praising the person or a quality or a product, encourage the effort. Instead of "You got an A. I am so proud of you," try "Congratulations! You worked hard. You deserve it." Praise is not encouraging because it teachers children to rely on approval. They learn to depend on others to evaluate their worth. 

Other examples of encouragement:

"You put lots of thought and detail into that!"

"You gave it your best effort. How do you feel about what you did?"

"I appreciate you listening and cooperating."

"That was the first time you've jump roped without stumbling."

The self talk a child begins to develop from encouragement may sound like this:

"I can be responsible!"

"I am proud of what I did!"

"I can do that!"

"It feels good to not give up!"

"I can do lots of things if I work hard."

Parents as Soothing Agents

“When our little people are overwhelmed by big emotions, it is our job to share our calm, not join their chaos.”

— L.R. Knost

Parents and caregivers are critically important in helping children regulate their emotional states. Often, however, it is the very tantrums and meltdowns that spike parents' own anxiety reactions, leaving them unable to respond effectively as soothing agents. You might find yourself attempting to calm your child down through persuasion, coaxing, arguing them out of the anxiety, or rescuing them from the emotion. What if parents stopped trying to change behavior, and changed how they thought about parenting? Parents have the power to adjust their own thoughts and feelings about the struggles of parenting and about what a child's behavior is trying to communicate.

Dr. Dan Siegel proposes "Connection before correction." Parents need to first listen to the child, acknowledge her feelings, and offer guidance. The acronym SOOTHE (developed by Goodyear-Brown, Ashford, and van Eys) helps parents remember strategies to responding to emotional symptoms.

S = soft tone of voice, soft tone of face

0 = organize the child's experience

O = offer choices or a way out

T = touch or physical proximity

H = hear what the child is needing

E = end and let go

Elevation of a parent's voice will only feed the escalation of a child's tantrum. "If parents can choose to lower their voices, use a soothing tone, and remain calm, they will be anchoring the child's experience beneath the current level of escalation." (Paris Good-Year Brown in Play Therapy with Traumatized Children).

A lack of structure intensifies anxiety and dysregulation. Consistent schedules and soothing routines help to organize your child. Offering a narrow range of choices to a child helps to manage the emotion that arises during a decision making process, as well as provide a positive sense of control. A simple touch or physical proximity is meant to reaffirm children and keep the parent child relationship intact. Hearing what your child is communicating is discerning what the child's need is. This discernment will guide your response. Does your child's behavior communicate a need for attention? power? to feel adequate? rest? a snack? Lastly, Dan Siegel (2003) talks about the toxic ruptures that can occur between parents and children when upset occurs but it is never processed. Parents need to acknowledge their right to their own feelings of anger and exhaustion, but also let go of it, and remain responsive to their child after the meltdown has occurred.

Once connection is built, parents can move to the next step and discuss the issue. Helpful questions that encourage connection are: "What happened? How did this anger feel inside your body? How did this feeling make you react? What would be another choice for next time you feel sad?"

If you are interested in more helpful tips, we recommend "The Whole-Brain Child: 12 Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture Your Child's Developing Mind" by Daniel Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson. "Peaceful Parenting, Happy Kids: How to Stop Yelling and Start Connecting" by Laura Markham)

Child Centered Activity Play Therapy Room for Teens/Tweens

Child-centered activity play therapy (CCAPT) can be an effective intervention for pre adolescents, because the child-directed nature of the sessions "provides an opportunity for the child to explore his or her growing sense of self in a safe, accepting environment, free from the pressures and constraints of adult expectations: a situation that is certain to be unique for the unpredictably emotional preadolescent." ( Therapist's Guide to Child Development: The Extraordinarily Normal Years, Edited by Dee C. Ray, 2016). CCAPT allows for the development of self-direction, facilitates the growth of an internal locos of control, and opportunities to gain a sense of competence.

Parent Tip:

Parents, you can allow your child to pick a craft or an activity to do together, and practice using reflective listening while engaging in the activity with the child. Going on special outings can also be beneficial.

“Craft Activities can foster the child’s feelings of competence, while active listening from a parent can help the parent to understand the child better and the child to feel understood.”

— A Therapist's Guide to Child Development by Dee C. Ray

Reflective listening can facilitate the child being open with the parent about difficulties at school or with friends. The acronym DEAR is a helpful way to remember the components of reflective listening to your child. Kathleen Scott shares how to connect with your child using reflective listening. (GoodTherapy.Org, September 8, 2015).

Detect: Our role as parents naturally consists of advising and telling our children based on our own judgements. Instead, try observing your child's demeanor, behaviors, tone, and words. By practicing detection, you are likely to discover what is underlying the emotions.

Empathize: Try to empathize with your child's feelings without making it about you. What is their perspective? Connect with your child's feelings. "Wow, Jayden. You seem really angry." "I can see your frustration."

Ask: Ask questions out of compassion. Keep the conversation focused on your child's emotions and story before moving forward to addressing the undesirable behavior or a solution. Paraphrase what you hear. Questions should come from a place of wanting more information. "Can you tell me what happened?"

Reflect: Summarizing what you hear from your child can help dampen the powerful feelings. Your child will have the opportunity to step back and reevaluate their statements and feelings. You are teaching your child to regulate emotions through conversation and process feelings. "What I am hearing is that you're hurt because you were made fun of." "What a terrible end to your school day. It sounds like you've been hurt by  people you thought were your friends."

Pro Tip:

No matter the age, there is value in play and creative expression for treating emotional or behavioral challenges. Conventional play therapy may seem juvenile to preadolescents and adolescents so a setting and activities consistent with the developmental needs of preteens is essential. Click here to learn more about Child Centered Activity Play Therapy.

Should my child see a therapist

It can be difficult to know when you and your child can work through obstacles and stressors together and when they might need the help of an expert. Significant life events can contribute to problems with behavior, mood, sleep, appetite, and overall functioning. Other times, what has caused a child to suddenly withdraw, worry, stress, or act out is not as clear. The brain was designed to interact so eloquently with the nervous system and the body. We can listen to behavior, somatic symptoms, and emotional responses as communication. Pay close attention to play, mood, and verbal or written statements for a glimpse into your child's internal world. Here are some indications (not a complete list) that that your child may benefit from therapy:

1. He's having difficulties at home, in school, or beyond. 

2. She's suddenly isolation herself from friends or activities. Be on the look out for statements such as "Everyone hates me" or "I'm a loser."

3. They’re regressing. When there are major changes in a child's environment, structure, or schedule, kids tend to regress to a previous developmental stage. Bedwetting, clingy behavior, whining, excessive fearfulness, and tantrums may signal a problem if they develop again and persist for more than a month.

4. She's incredibly sad, worried, or withdrawn. If the worry and sadness is interfering with daily function and routine, it may be out of the scope of normal feelings.

5. His sleep habits and/or appetite has changed. Symptoms such as stomach aches, trouble falling asleep, waking up in the middle of the night, nightmares, excessive headaches, or eating too much or too little may be indication of stress or anxiety.

6. They’ve developed self-destructive behaviors or impulse control is decreasing.

7. He talks about death or thinks about it repeatedly. Children typically develop questions or fears about death around ages 4 and 7. If a discussion about their curiosity or concern does not suffice, and questions and worries persist, talking with a mental health professional may be beneficial.

8. You notice signs of alcohol, drug, or other substance use. They’re engaging in more risky behaviors.

“Your body is a powerful intuitive communicator. Intuition allows you to get the first warning signs when anything is off in your body so that you can address it. If you have a gut feeling about your body-listen to it.”

— Judith Orloff, PhD, author of Second Sight

Just as your child's body and behavior are communicating a need, your parent intuition may kick in prompting you to make a call to a mental health professional. It's also helpful to speak to caregivers and teachers who interact regularly with your child. Discuss your concerns with your child's pediatrician, who can rule out any medical conditions that could be having an effect.

How to Handle Sibling Fighting

Help your children live together so you can live too with these simple strategies to handling sibling fighting by Faber and Mazlish's book  SIblings Without Rivalry.

Level One: Normal Bickering

1. Ignore it.

2. Tell yourself the children are having an important experience in conflict resolution.

Level II: Situation Heating Up. Adult Intervention Might Be Helpful.

1. Acknowledge their anger. "You two are really mad at each other!"

2. Reflect each child's point of view.

3. Describe the problem with respect.

4. Express confidence in the children's ability to find their own solution.

5. Leave the room.

Level III: Situation Possibly Dangerous

1. Inquire "Is this a play fight or a real fight?"

2. Let the children know "Play fighting by mutual consent only."

3. Respect your feelings. "You may be play fighting but it's too rough for me. Find another activity."

Level IV: Situation Definitely Dangerous. Adult Intervention Necessary

1. Describe what you see. "I see two very angry children who are about to hurt each other."

2. Separate the children.

When In Doubt, Connect

A few words on what to do when you don't know what to do. The following blog post is suitable for anyone who has a relationship in any capacity with someone else. I hope that keeps it broad enough. In my practice I facilitate strengthening the parent/caregiver/child relationship. However, the following same principles apply to romantic relationships, friendships, teacher/student interactions, workplace relationships, etc...

It's not often that I quote myself, but when I do, it's because I struck a chord I needed to hear myself. In parenting or in other relationships we may find ourselves at a loss, confused, desperate, hopeless, discouraged, or hurt. It's in those times that we should respond with love and connection.

How do goals of behavior affect our responses?

I  frequently talk with parents about a child's goals for misbehavior--that behavior is goal directed and children are trying to fulfill a need. Adults do the same thing except our misbehavior looks differently, but is rooted in the same needs.

In our relationships and interactions with others, we automatically assign a story to our beliefs about ourselves, about others, and about our situations. These beliefs will trigger emotions which trigger a reaction. This reaction is trying to fulfill a need.

When we are are feeling discouraged, challenged, hurt, confused, or hopeless in our relationships, it would serve us well to reflect on what might be the other person's goal and what might be our goal.

Power/Control, Inadequacy/Fear of Failure, Revenge, Attention

1. Goal: power and control. The belief behind power/control is: I belong or I am valued when I am in control or proving no one can boss me. 

2. Goal: avoid inadequacy. The belief behind inadequacy/fear of Failure is: I don't believe I can belong so I'll convince others not to expect anything from me. I am helpless and unable. It's no use trying because I won't do it right. OR I will do everything I can to avoid being perceived as inadequate.

3. Goal: hurt, get even. The belief behind revenge is:  I'll hurt others as I feel hurt. I can't be liked or loved.

4. Goal: attention. The belief behind attention is: I am valued only when I am being noticed. I'm only important when I'm keeping you busy with me.

What's the best response?

To change a negative attitude you're holding about an individual, you'll need to uncover the underlying belief or goal that's creating your unhappy feelings. Begin by asking whether you believe people, in general, are doing the best they can. Researcher Brene Brown has discovered that believing that you and others are doing the best you can requires compassion. "You may not be absolutely sure about the intention behind someone's behavior, including your own. But being compassionate is about cultivating the attitude that normally people do their best with the tools they have. Compassion allows us to believe that we can all learn from our mistakes, enabling us to grow and change." (ThePropelPrinciples.com)

What's the most generous possible interpretation of the intentions words, and actions of others? (Brene Brown)

Equally, what's the most generous possible interpretation of our own actions? 

1. Identify goals of behavior with the most generous possible interpretation.

2. Evaluate whether your reaction is responding to their need/goal AND whether your reaction is self serving your goals of behavior. Are you reacting out of your own sense of inadequacy, need for control, from feeling hurt, or to be recognized?

When in doubt, do something that connects or communicates love.

When we feel at a loss for an appropriate response or don't have the time or emotional energy to calculate goals or beliefs, respond in a way that connects, preserves a relationship, or communicates love. (Remember, another person's response to your extension of connection does not determine your adequacy or value).

Offering connection or love does not imply permissiveness nor does it allow someone to take advantage of or walk all over you. Brene Brown recommends Living BIG: Boundaries, Integrity, Generosity. "Setting boundaries means getting clear on what behaviors are okay and what's not okay. Integrity is the key to this commitment because it's how we set those boundaries and ultimately hold ourselves and others accountable for respecting them." (Brene Brown, Rising Strong).

Raising Confident, Capable Kids in a Performance Filled Culture

“Children who come to believe that our love, praise, or affection is contingent on their pleasing us and doing what we want them to do become the most vulnerable of all people.”

— Raising Self-Reliant Children in a Self-Indulgent World (Glenn and Nelsen)

I have been silently taking inventory of our culture's and many families' perceptions of performance and raising confident/capable kids. What stands out the most is the unintentional reinforced value that performance has on self-worth. What also stands out are misconceptions of grace and confidence which affect children's perceptions of life and faith.

Before we dive in, you must understand as parents, that it is never too late to make improvements. We are easily caught up in performance based parenting and feeling the shame and guilt of not parenting the way we "should" or the way others do. We equate our parenting performance with our self-worth as a parent. We begin to parent out of fear of inadequacy instead out of grace and confidence.

“We grow and change much faster when we shed discouraging thoughts about what we have failed to accomplish.”

— Raising Self-Reliant Children in a Self-Indulgent World (Glenn and Nelsen)

To get all of us started in making some improvements, I will be referencing and pulling out pieces from these resources: Raising Self-Reliant Children in a Self-Indulgent World (Glenn and Nelsen) and What's So Amazing About Grace? (Philip Yancey).

In today's culture we are bombarded with opportunities and pressures for our kids to perform or to prove their abilities. How do we carve out self-confidence, self-validation, self-discipline, good judgement, and a sense of responsibility in our children? These capabilities can be nourished in young people through  1. networking 2. finding meaningful roles 3. exploring 4. celebrating 5. setting limits, 6. developing self-control and 7. modeling grace.

First let's understand "perception." When we think through our experiences, we form conclusions about ourselves and our lives (perception). Children make decisions about themselves based upon their experiences. They think about what they need to do to survive or thrive. When a child's perceptions are threatened or when their perceptions are not consistent with the environment, their brain reacts, which sends a signal to their body to react. You've heard of fight, flight, or freeze. Read more about brain science and behavior here.

Perceptions are unique. Perceptions are keys to attitudes, motivation, and behavior. Perceptions must first be supported and challenged in order to change.

Glenn and Nelsen in Raising Self-Reliant Children in a Self-Indulgent World suggest ways of helping children process their experiences and examine their perceptions.

1. Identify: What are the important parts of the experience? What happened? What was the outcome? What were your feelings? What was most important?

2. Analyze: Why was that important to you? What were you trying to do?

3. Generalize: How can you use this information next time? What do you need to repeat to achieve the same outcome?

Nourishing Your Child's Capabilities

Networking

“The simplest of all networks is friendship.”

— Raising Self-Reliant Children in a Self-Indulgent World (Glenn and Nelsen)

People are tribal creatures designed for relationships. We excel when we collaborate, teach, affirm, and encourage each other. Who is in your tribe with whom you can dialogue about the world, about life, and about kids?

Finding Meaningful Roles

“Today we need to deal with our young people actively in ways that cause them to believe they are significant contributors rather than just objects or passive recipients of our activities.”

— Raising Self-Reliant Children in a Self-Indulgent World (Glenn and Nelsen)

As children find meaningful roles in their family and in their social groups, they develop a sense of importance and personal significance. Focus, direction, a sense of ownership, all help to foster this perception of personal significance. When we listen to our children and take them seriously, we can restore collaboration with them. What are some ways you can offer meaningful roles to your children? How can you incorporate family meetings into your routine? What ritual, tradition, or activity can you devote weekly time?

“The need to be needed is often more powerful than the need to survive.”

— Raising Self-Reliant Children in a Self-Indulgent World (Glenn and Nelsen)

Exploring

“Experience, especially one that’s reflected on, is a far more effective teacher than parents could ever be.”

— Raising Self-Reliant Children in a Self-Indulgent World (Glenn and Nelsen)

Too often parents or caregivers step in prematurely instead of allowing a child to do for himself or to experience for himself. When parents are too quick to offer an explanation or expertise, the child is left feeling vulnerable or intimidated. They may form the perception of: I am not capable unless they are here. What would happen if they were not there? Rescuer parents rescue children from inadequacy and then enable them to remain vulnerable. 

By helping our children explore their experiences, they will develop confidence in their ability to learn and problem solve.

Celebrating

When we recognize effort and progress, we get more results.  Sometimes we unintentionally set up a trap for our children by steering them to be independent and then objecting to their way of doing things. Instead, encourage children with specific feedback and acknowledgement of effort.

When we praise the performance or praise the results, we lose sight of the individual and her effort and contribution. Examine how you celebrate your own successes or how you evaluate your mistakes. Do you communicate that self worth and self control are independent of external circumstances?

Setting Limits

“Setting limits is an exercise in using our wisdom and experience to anticipate possible problems and solve them in advance.”

— Raising Self-Reliant Children in a Self-Indulgent World (Glenn and Nelsen)

Too often we wait until after something has gone wrong to decide what we'll do about it. We often react with anger and say meaningless things. Determining limits together with a child before a situation occurs will help your child's sense of control remain intact. Using firmness and respect to communicate and follow through with a limit provides opportunity for your child to honor the limit and exercise self-control. 

Developing Self-Control

Our children's capability to recognize and acknowledge personal feelings directly affects their ability to select an appropriate behavioral response to a feeling.

“Once children become comfortable with the notion that their feelings are, as are the feelings of others, a legitimate, worthy part of their lives, they are ready to take the next step-to self-control. ”

— Raising Self-Reliant Children in a Self-Indulgent World (Glenn and Nelsen)

Developmentally around eight years old, most children are capable of controlling impulses that bring immediate gratification and instead choosing a behavior that achieves a goal.

Philip Yancey in What's So Amazing About Grace chooses the word gratitude for motivation for "being good." We want our children to strive to do well and to have self-control--not to make their parents or God love them (we already do), but because of gratitude and a sense of love within a relationship. 

Modeling Grace

“By instinct I feel I must do something in order to be accepted. Grace means there is nothing we can do to make God love us more. And grace means there is nothing we can do to make God love us less.”

— What's So Amazing About Grace? (Phillip Yancey)

Take the initiative to model grace by laying down retribution or fairness. Reinforce your love for your children regardless of performance or behavior. Speak truth and life into your children. Speak to who they are becoming. Forgive. Lay down all of your needs for gratitude and compliments.

We are modeling grace when we allow our children to operate from within themselves, to practice self-control, to explore experiences and opportunities, and to practice their abilities. Regardless of performance or failures, we can gracefully communicate to our children through our attitudes, words, modeling, and forgiveness that they are worthy of unconditional love. This sets the stage for them to explore faith, accept spiritual grace, and to realize their greater worth.

Next Steps

You've read through all of this information, now ask your self "What is the most important thing I've come to realize? What behavior change do I want to make? Why is this realization important right now? How can it make a difference in my life or my child's life? Where do I want to first apply it?"

Complete the following statement: As a result of this awareness, the first thing I will do at the first opportunity is....

Car, Mealtime, Bedtime, and Device Hassles over the Holidays

During the holidays our schedules and routines change, road trips happen, boredom may settle in, and parents may feel like they are dealing with more behavior hassles rather than focusing on whatever their reason is for the season. Here are some quick tips to implement when there are hassles in the car, at mealtime, at bedtime, and over electronic devices. (Tips compiled from Positive Discipline A-Z by Jane Nelsen, Lynn Lott, and H. Stephen Glen).

Car Hassles

1. If you are having car hassles with the kids, it may be time for some training. Leave plenty of time to get to your destination. When kids start yelling or fighting, simply pull over and wait without saying a word. In this case actions speak louder than words. You've clearly heard loud words coming from the backseat. Mix it up and use your actions rather than trumping the kids' noise level.

2. If the trip is long, make frequent stops so the kids can get out and stretch.

3. Before departing on a trip ask the kids for their ideas that will help make the trip more comfortable and fun for them. 

4. Utilize a calm down box in the car when frustrations arise. Items to include in a calm down box could be: headphones, silly putty, stretchy toy, magna doodle, or a pinwheel.

Mealtime Hassles

1. Trust your kids to eat when they are hungry and stop when they are not. Inadvertently interfering in this natural process could plant the seeds for eating disorders.

2. Sit down as a family and eat a meal together--without TV or devices. Engage your kids' help with setting the table or making decorations. Plan with them what they can do to contribute.

3. If kids know it's ok to choose what they will or won't eat, they are less apt to complain. 

4. If kids complain about the cooking, simply say it's okay not to eat it, but it hurts feelings when they say they don't like it.

5. Schedule your meal time and communicate what time to your kids. Emphasize sharing stories, visiting, and sharing good feelings.

6. Practice good table manners at a time other than mealtime by making it fun, using humor, and exaggerating.

7. If you see mealtime as a time to make kids eat and to lecture about manners, the kids will probably pay you back with bad manners.

Bedtime Hassles

1. Serious bedtime problems are most often as result of parents engaging in power struggles.

2. It's important for kids to have input, but not to run the family.

3. One reason children seek more attention at bedtime is that they haven't received a good dose of it during the day. Be available.

4. Define an allotted time for the bedtime routine and stick to it.

5. Once it is officially bedtime, it's time for you to get out of the room. If you child gets up, kindly and firmly without talking take your child by the hand to his room. Actions speak louder than words.

6. If you child has developed a habit of manipulation it may take 3-5 nights to retrain bedtime routines.

7. If you have engaged in power struggles, admit your mistakes with your child and learn together how to solve the problem and try the routine a different way.

8. If needed, create a bedtime routine chart with your child of what needs to be done.

9. Use humor or make it a game such as Beat the Clock.

10. Children can learn self reliance instead of manipulation skills or dependence on someone else to help them get to sleep. They can learn to respect a parents' need for time alone. 

Device Hassles

1. Involve your children in creating healthy guidelines for the use of electronic devices. Eliminate the "battle" by deciding together, and being kind and firm.

2. Give young children limited choices. For example 1 or 2 shows? Play on iPad for 30 minutes or watch a show for 30 minutes? Play before or after dinner?

3. Notice your own behavior. If you use your device excessively, it will be difficult to convince your kids to limit their time. 

4. Help the kids make a list of activities they could do when they feel bored.

5. Talk with your kids about the addictive qualities of TV or devices so they know why you are concerned.

6. Set up a rotation for sharing devices that they can all live with.

Hopefully some of these tips and tricks will ease hassles during the holidays so that you can continue healthy and productive routines. Or perhaps they will kick start your attempt at more healthy routines. Bottom line: children can learn that they don't always get what they want, that it is okay to feel upset about that, and that they will survive.

A Beginning to a Whining's End

If you've caught yourself with outstretched hands up to your head, clenched teeth, and saying "Stop the whining already!" this read might just be a beginning to a whining's end. 

Why does my child whine?

1. Whining thrives on unmet needs. Usually that unmet need is attention. Sure, your child probably whines when he/she wants something that he can't have or he/she whines after you've said "no." We will get to that scenario in a minute. If your child is whining, he is getting a response from you. Oddly enough, even negative attention is getting some attention, and the negative attention is helping to fulfill a child's unmet need of attention.

2. Vocabulary. Your child may not have the vocabulary to tell you how he/she is feeling. 

3. H.A.L.T. Is your child hungry, angry, lonely, or tired?

4. Your child has limited control over his life and limited choices.

Why does whining lead to backtalk?

1. Mirroring what is being modeled. Are you reacting or responding to the whining? How does your child perceive your emotions and tone of voice?

2. Is there an atmosphere of power struggles by being too controlling or too permissive?

3. Are you making disrespectful demands or using calm, but firm invitations to cooperate?

4. Disappointment or setting up a situation for frustration/failure.

What can I do?

1. Put down your electronic device. Make eye contact.

2. Depending on the scenario, use physical touch such as a hug, sitting side by side, or a "tickle spider."

3. Reflect with your words how your child is feeling. "You're feeling disappointed you can't go to the park today. You really were looking forward to that."

4. Give choices within your boundaries. "You really want a snack right now. We will have dinner in 20 minutes. You can choose _____or______for snack before bed."

5. Use your sense of humor and laugh. It's ok not to be serious all of the time. Gain some perspective, view behavior as age appropriate, and see the humor in situations with children. Sometimes we misperceive being silly for disrespect. A laugh or a quick joke could diffuse a situation that could have otherwise turned into an unintentional power struggle.

6. Set up a routine or schedule board. Welcome you child's input into creating the schedule. Your child will feel ownership and will feel heard if he is allowed to make some choices or help create the schedule board.

7. If there is a hidden message behind the whine, try to meet that need: Hungry? Angry? Lonely? Tired? Unloved? Reality check: If we as parents are also feeling hungry, angry, lonely, or tired, isn't it that much more difficult to deal with our kids' difficult behaviors?

8. Practice self care. Refresh. Relax. Play.

9. During a peaceful or happy time, brainstorm with your child how she can ask for something without whining. Practice. Role play. Point out the difference between a whiney voice and a respectful, age appropriate voice.

“Ignore the whining and find lots of ways to encourage your child.”

— Positive Discipline A-Z by Nelsen, Lott, & Glenn

10. Apologize if you have spoken disrespectfully. Model respectful requests and avoid comebacks. 

11. Share your feelings: "My feelings are hurt when you talk to me that way. I am going into the other room until you are ready to talk to me respectfully."

12. Instead of a command, "Pick up that toy before you leave." Try saying, "What about that toy?"

13. Ask your child to repeat to you what you just said. "What was my answer to that?" 

Hopefully some of these tips/tricks you will find useful depending on the situation and the child. Thanks goes to one of my favorite books to help guide this discussion: Positive Discipline A-Z by Jane Nelsen, Lynn Lott, and H. Stephen Glenn. Sprinkled with some personal experiences, of course.

Kelly