Teens and Technology

By Katherine “Katy” McAlpine, MEd, LPC

What do most teenagers have in common these days? Smart phones. Most modern day parents are navigating the ins and outs of their teen children having access to the entire internet in the palm of their hands. Helping our teens navigate these developments in technology while keeping them safe and giving them autonomy can feel sticky sometimes. By reading this, my hopes are to help you and your teens come up with some harmonious plans for navigating what may seem at times uncertain technological waters. 

The first iPhone was released to the public in June of 2007. I (Katy McAlpine) was 15 at the time, about 6 months away from getting my driver’s license. I had a flip phone with a very limited amount of texts per month that I for sure, went over most months, driving my parents bonkers. There wasn’t even a camera or games to play! An iPhone wouldn’t make it into my hands till I was a sophomore in college, 5-6 years later. Preteens and teens these days will likely receive a smartphone as their first mobile device, typically between the ages of 10-13. 

Many parents are reporting either feeling overwhelmed by the technology their teens now have access to or feeling overwhelmed by the prospect of giving them a smartphone at some point in time. Let’s talk about the importance of access to technology and how to keep your kiddos safe while giving them the autonomy to have access. 

Teenagers are sharing that having smartphones helps them feel more connected to friends and out of town family. Teens are using technology for entertainment and educational purposes and for staying connected to the world around them, amongst other reasons. Our children even learn their schoolwork on and do the majority of their homework and test taking on devices, rather than pencil and paper. 

While many adults understand the importance of technology in our society and the importance of their teenage children being connected to technology, what parents of teens fear most tends to be exposure to inappropriate content, high levels of screen time, and unsafe cyber relationships/interactions or being preyed on by cyber predators. Here are some thoughts on how to establish safety while your teen is accessing technology and having collaborative and open conversations with them about it. 

Before giving your preteen or teen a smartphone, consider reflecting with your partner or co-parent about your motivation. Why are you wanting to give your preteen a smartphone? Are they in an afterschool or outside of school extracurricular or having sleepovers at friend’s houses? Do you want them to be able to contact you when they are at your co-parent’s house? Consider getting them a basic device such as those sold by Bark or Gabb. These devices let your child call or text only the contacts you’ve saved to the device and some have location services. You can feel a sense of security knowing they can contact you after their sport practice or if they want to come home early from the sleepover without the worry of them having access to the internet before they are developmentally ready.  

When it comes time to consider giving your kid a true smartphone or computer with internet access, having conversations with them about the importance of internet safety will be helpful. Help your teen understand what it means to have a conversation with a stranger over chat and give them some boundaries about internet etiquette. Set boundaries such as never giving away their phone number or home address and keeping private other detailed personal information such as gender, age, state they live in, or what school they go to. Have safety filters engaged on web browsers to limit access to adult content and talk to your teen about why you do that. 

When your child stumbles across explicit adult content and comes forward to you about that exposure, acknowledge your gratitude in them feeling secure enough to tell you. When they don’t tell you directly and you discover the exposure for yourself, being direct and compassionate with your teen is important. Acknowledge to them that their teenage brains are wired to be excited about novel content, that viewing pornography or otherwise explicit content can be both scary and intriguing. Help guide the conversation toward empathy and acknowledging why viewing such content can be harmful to their developing minds. 

Technology is an integral part of modern day society. Teens desire to be trusted with access to technology and parents want to give them autonomy to explore. Teenage minds are developing in a way that derives pleasure from novel and exciting experiences and technology is one way teens can receive that. We, as adults, can work with our teens to help them understand the importance of internet safety while having fun exploring something new to them. 

I’ve attached these resources as guides to having various conversations with your teens about technology. Some parents are navigating and assessing readiness before giving smartphones and some are navigating situations that have happened since having already given technology. My hopes are that you find these resources helpful in your journey as a parent with a teen! 

https://www.childrenandscreens.org/learn-explore/research/introducing-a-smartphone-assessing-readiness/

https://www.childrenandscreens.org/learn-explore/research/digital-addictions-a-family-guide-to-prevention-signs-and-treatment/

https://www.lookupnonprofit.com/techagreement

https://www.betterscreentime.com/am-i-ready-for-a-personal-device-a-self-evaluation-for-teens/

Responding to Backtalk

Who knows the feeling when your child or teen talks back to you? Do you notice how your body responds?

1. Tune into your own body’s sensations, thoughts, and feelings.

2. Consider the need behind the attitude. Hungry, tired, overwhelmed, underwhelmed, in need of connection?

3. Respond to your child from a place of stability and clarity—not from a flood of emotion/thoughts.

4. Set boundaries and prompt kids to try again.

5. Try some of these responses below—different strategies will fit different kids and situations. How we respond to and treat people (including our own children) matters!

The Road Goes Ever On: The Path From Childhood to Adulthood and All The In-betweens

There’s a road of development that we walk along throughout our lives. We start before we ever enter this world, weave our way through childhood and adolescence, and end up somewhere in adulthood (though that’s not the end of lifespan development!). Infancy and childhood is marked by significant brain and body development, beginning to learn how the world around us works and what our role within that world is. In adulthood, while our brain and body development are on their way to being complete, we find ourselves in a continuation of that lesson in understanding the world and our role in it, further solidifying our identities. While childhood is marked by great dependence on caregivers for our needs, adulthood is often quite the opposite; adults might find themselves in much more autonomous situations, making significant decisions for their own lives and having a grounded sense of self. 

“Adolescents find themselves craving autonomy and independence from their parents while at the same time, longing for the simple pleasures of childhood.”

— Katy McAlpine

In the middle of this road is the journey of adolescence. Adolescents, as defined by Oxford Languages, are “in the process of developing from a child to an adult”. As straight forward as that sounds, it’s a dance of growing out of dependence from childhood and into one’s own independence and identity.  Adolescents find themselves craving autonomy and independence from their parents while at the same time, longing for the simple pleasures of childhood. Adolescents are forming their own opinions about their lives and the world and yet, are still operating under their parent’s or guardian’s house/family rules and structure.

In order to move in step with an adolescent in this developmental dance so to speak, let’s first take a look at what research tells us is going on developmentally between the ages of 10-19 years old. Looking at lifespan development when working with teenage clients helps me, as a clinician, understand what’s going on in their brains that could be contributing to the choreography of their thoughts, feelings, and actions. Author, play therapist, and professor, Dee Ray tells us that 10 year olds typically think concretely and logically, have a “strong sense of right and wrong”, (from her book Therapist’s Guide to Child Development) and seek out emotional support through friendships. This age really seems to be the bridge for a lot of children between childhood and adolescence. We, as adults who interact with children regularly, see our 10 year olds choosing peer values over family values as this is the stage of development where they are really forming deeper relationships with their peers. 

Erik Erikson’s research on development aligns with this, through his Stages of Psychosocial Development. Erikson tells us that the stage of development for ages 5-12 is called Industry vs Inferiority. Our older kids in this stage are finding that their peer groups are becoming a major source of their self esteem. Children in this stage seek situations that help them achieve their goals. When children are successful in this, they feel a sense of industriousness whereas when they “put themselves out there” and are met with failure, they feel a sense of inferiority. The next stage, Identity vs Role Confusion is where our teenagers land. Individuals in this stage want to belong in society and are learning the “roles they will occupy as an adult”. This isn’t to say that we don’t continue shaping our identity well into adulthood, rather, this is the time we really start putting it all together and having a deeper understanding of ourselves. The hope for the end of this stage of development is that the individual will have a deeper sense of self, their values and beliefs, and how all this works together as they find their place in society. 

With this developmental information in mind, let’s consider what our preteens and teens might want us to understand about their lives. In my experience working with this age group, here are some things our teenagers want us, the adults in their lives (parents or guardians, teachers, counselors, etc.) to hear and understand about them. 

1. Being a teenager is both invigorating and at the same time so wildly tough. Teens are living in a world unlike any world their surrounding adults grew up in. With smartphone technology and instant access to world news, our teenagers are inputting significant amounts of information about the world around them. Teens want to be in the know about what’s happening across the globe, and at the same time, feel frightened by all of that information. They want to feel that there’s something they could do to make an impact and also want to know that they are safe. Having conversations with your teens, in age appropriate ways, about what’s happening in the world and what their views are on such events, can make them feel included and valued for their opinions.

2. It doesn’t feel good to be yelled at. Human beings are wired with a beautifully intricate nervous system, a network of neural pathways that does all kinds of things for our bodies, including signals to our brains when we feel threatened. Our nervous system might feel threatened when someone we’re interacting with raises their voice or clenches their fists. Finding a way to interact with teens, whether setting a boundary or expressing one’s own feelings about a situation, in a calm, emotionally regulated manner, may help interactions stay positive and your child more responsive. Taking a break from a heated conversation to splash some cold water on your face or sitting down and taking some deep breaths can help soothe your own nervous system and help you come back to the conversation with your teen in a more balanced state. “You know, my body is telling me it’s time to take a break. I’m going to go splash some cold water on my face, take a few deep breaths, and I’ll be back to check on you.” This models a way to advocate for yourself when needed and that you’ll be back to finish the conversation when you’re more able to stay present and receptive, rather than hot, angry, and reactive. 

3. Finally, your teenager might want you to know that being in this stage of life is conflicting at times and they’d like support, whether they verbalize that or not. They want to be ‘grown up’ and independent and they also want life to stay the same, or even, for it to go back to the way it was when they were little. They want to relish in the freedoms and mature responsibilities that come with being a teenager and yet they also want to soak up as much of their childhood as possible before it’s over. 

This road to adulthood is bumpy and often unpaved, sometimes the signs don’t make sense and sometimes they’re missing altogether. Sometimes all you want is to trudge forward, without looking back. Sometimes you’d like to find a nice log to sit on and just take a break. And other times still, you wonder if you’re allowed to go back. Having trusted and safe adults, along with some stellar friends, in one’s adolescent life to walk alongside you, makes the road a bit more manageable, navigable, and hopeful. 

“ It’s dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step onto the road, and if you don’t keep your feet, there’s no knowing where you might be swept off to.
”

— Bilbo Baggins (from Lord of the Rings by J.R.R Tolkien)

By: Katy McAlpine, MEd, LPC

Katy is a Licensed Professional Counselor at the Playroom Lubbock specializing in adolescent and young adult mental health.

Lubbock Adolescent Counseling: Play Therapy for Teens and Tweens

Play therapy is an evidence based practice for children and adolescents and has many techniques for counselors to perform. (Bratton & Ray, 2000; Bratton, Ray, Rhine, & Jones, 2005; Gallo-Lopez & Shaefer, 2005; Roaten, 2011).

Working with a teen is very different than working with an adult client due to biological, developmental, and psychosocial tasks. Developmental tasks of teens include: physical maturation, sexual relationships, peer groups, emotional development, formal operations cognitive development, and identity development.

Because of the development of formal operational thought, preteens often vacillate between play that is more common to younger children and activities that appeal more to teenagers.

Play therapy can benefit preteens and teens struggling with depression, abuse, grief, addiction, adoption, ADHD, trauma, family stress, anxiety, relationships, problems with peers, identity, self-esteem, sensory processing issues, body image, anger issues, parent’s divorce, autism, etc.

Rather than teens doing therapy, they EXPERIENCE therapy. It is an opportunity to safely distance the self from problems through activity, creativity and imagination. Using a teen’s interests through play, sandtray figures, and expressive techniques will stimulate the teenager's desire and need to be expressive and create identity--which is central to this developmental stage. The positive therapeutic relationship that develops between a teenager and a counselor brings healing, forward movement, and relief of emotional stress. 

Expressive arts are a great tool to address new thoughts and feelings or communicate and rework perspective. It can include art, music, or movement such as yoga or dance.

Games and activities can be used to deal with anxiety, power and control issues, self-esteem, relationships and difficult behaviors. 

Sandtray invites adolescents to explore the uncertain world between childhood and adulthood and to explore the internal world and subconscious in a creative way by choosing miniature figures to place in a tray of sand. Sandtray allows clients to become mindful and allows clients the opportunity to blend memories, fantasies, wishes, and emotions without verbal constraints. (Rae, 2013)

““Appropriately structured creative art activities provide preteens with opportunities to change perceptions about self, others, and the world as they try out new roles and solutions...Furthermore, [they] facilitate a process of self-development, providing the preadolescent with the inner resources to cope with future difficulties.”
”

— — Bratton & Ferebee

Group therapy is quite effective for making friends, improving communication skills and learning coping skills from peers who experience similar challenges. When the opportunity is available to pair 2 or 3 preteens or teens, group activity therapy can be beneficial.

Trained play therapists can use play therapy with tweens and teens to

• Informally assess a client’s psychosocial and psychological functioning

• Build rapport

• Explore and facilitate expression a client’s inner world and emotions

• Build skills through psychoeducation

• Develop mastery, identity, and empowerment

• Relieve a client of stress
  

Child Centered Activity Play Therapy Room for Teens/Tweens

Child-centered activity play therapy (CCAPT) can be an effective intervention for pre adolescents, because the child-directed nature of the sessions "provides an opportunity for the child to explore his or her growing sense of self in a safe, accepting environment, free from the pressures and constraints of adult expectations: a situation that is certain to be unique for the unpredictably emotional preadolescent." ( Therapist's Guide to Child Development: The Extraordinarily Normal Years, Edited by Dee C. Ray, 2016). CCAPT allows for the development of self-direction, facilitates the growth of an internal locos of control, and opportunities to gain a sense of competence.

Parent Tip:

Parents, you can allow your child to pick a craft or an activity to do together, and practice using reflective listening while engaging in the activity with the child. Going on special outings can also be beneficial.

“Craft Activities can foster the child’s feelings of competence, while active listening from a parent can help the parent to understand the child better and the child to feel understood.”

— A Therapist's Guide to Child Development by Dee C. Ray

Reflective listening can facilitate the child being open with the parent about difficulties at school or with friends. The acronym DEAR is a helpful way to remember the components of reflective listening to your child. Kathleen Scott shares how to connect with your child using reflective listening. (GoodTherapy.Org, September 8, 2015).

Detect: Our role as parents naturally consists of advising and telling our children based on our own judgements. Instead, try observing your child's demeanor, behaviors, tone, and words. By practicing detection, you are likely to discover what is underlying the emotions.

Empathize: Try to empathize with your child's feelings without making it about you. What is their perspective? Connect with your child's feelings. "Wow, Jayden. You seem really angry." "I can see your frustration."

Ask: Ask questions out of compassion. Keep the conversation focused on your child's emotions and story before moving forward to addressing the undesirable behavior or a solution. Paraphrase what you hear. Questions should come from a place of wanting more information. "Can you tell me what happened?"

Reflect: Summarizing what you hear from your child can help dampen the powerful feelings. Your child will have the opportunity to step back and reevaluate their statements and feelings. You are teaching your child to regulate emotions through conversation and process feelings. "What I am hearing is that you're hurt because you were made fun of." "What a terrible end to your school day. It sounds like you've been hurt by  people you thought were your friends."

Pro Tip:

No matter the age, there is value in play and creative expression for treating emotional or behavioral challenges. Conventional play therapy may seem juvenile to preadolescents and adolescents so a setting and activities consistent with the developmental needs of preteens is essential. Click here to learn more about Child Centered Activity Play Therapy.

Preteens Benefit from The Playroom Lubbock Through Activity Play Therapy

Often times people wonder how play therapy is used with preadolescents. No matter the age, there is value in play and creative expression for treating emotional or behavioral challenges. Conventional play therapy may seem juvenile to preadolescents so a setting and activities consistent with the developmental needs of preteens is essential. A a licensed counselor for children, I use expressive arts and other age-appropriate play activities to help older kids/teens work through thoughts and feelings they are either unable or resistant to express verbally. The foundation of play therapy remains the same: play is the language and toys (or objects used in their activity) are the words.

“Appropriately structured creative art activities provide preteens with opportunities to change perceptions about self, others, and the world as they try out new roles and solutions...Furthermore, [they] facilitate a process of self-development, providing the preadolescent with the inner resources to cope with future difficulties.”

— Bratton & Ferebee

I purposefully select games and activities (as outlined in Bratton and Ferebee's article) that promote creative expression, encourage the release of feelings, facilitate the acting out of real-life concerns, and encourage effective problem-solving and coping strategies. The child has the freedom to creatively interpret the assignment.

“There was a child went forth every day,
And the first object he look’d upon,
that object he became,
And that object became part of him
for the day or a certain part of the day,
Or for many years or stretching cycles of years.”

— Walt Whitman

Please take a picture tour of my activity room for older kids/teens. I am continually adding games and objects that aid the therapeutic process. You will notice the inviting and stimulating room for kids to explore, create, and expend energy. Equipment includes an art desk, easel, puppet theater/puppets, sandplay unit and figures, comfortable chairs, dress-up clothes, ball games, art materials, toys for symbolic acting out (dolls, punching bag, knives, swords, etc..), building blocks, toaster oven, and do-it-yourself project kits.

Source: "The Use of Structured Expressive Art Activities in Group Activity Therapy with Preadolescents" by Sue Carlton Bratton and Kelly Webb Ferebee in The Handbook of Group Play Therapy: How to Do it; How it Works; Whom it's Best For by Daniel S. Sweeney and Linda E. Homeyer.

Teenagers, Pit Stops, and Play Therapy

"Developmentally, the process where we travel from a world where we do not have to think about who we are or what we do (childhood) toward a destination where we must have the confidence that we can not only survive but also thrive in the multiple relationships and expectations of adult society....[Adolescence is] the overall task of moving out of childhood and preparing to engage in mainstream society as a peer with other adults." Chap Clark, D. Clark (2007). Disconnected Parenting: Teens in a MySpace World.

What a task and a road ahead for a teenager!  This road consisting of life events and experiences coupled with experiences of the past and paired with expectations and possibly fears of the future significantly affects adolescents. The emotional, physical, and hormonal changes of adolescents will alter the headlights of that adolescent vehicle and impact a teenager's ability to process and interpret social interactions. Further more, the challenges a teen with special needs has may be magnified during this developmental stage. 

Any adolescent is fully capable of navigating through this road trip, especially with the support of peer relationships, parent involvement, and a developing positive image.

You, as parents, are fully capable of supporting your adolescent during this adventure. Pack your bags with suitcases labeled "my child" rather than "my child's problems." "The present" rather than "the past." "Feelings." "Understanding." "Accepting." As soon as you see yourself capable of this adventure, you will begin to see your teenager as capable of this adventure.

Relationships then, (with peers, parents, caregivers) are the vehicle for change. Conveying these messages to your teen "I am here," "I hear you," "I understand," and "I care" will equip your teen to recover from the bumps in the road or to get back on track from a detour. (Messages taken from Child Parent Relationship Therapy: A 10 Session Filial Therapy Model by Landreth, G., & Bratton, S.)

Reality is that we have to service our vehicles. Sometimes getting your vehicle serviced means taking it into the shop to a professional. 1 in 5 adolescents will experience significant symptoms of emotional distress (Report on Adolescent Health: cdcinfo@cdc.gov).

Teenagers are likely to feel reluctant, suspicious, worried, intimidated, or even weird going to a professional such as a counselor. That is why the metaphor of taking a car into the shop or a "pit" stop to be able to get back on track is effective when talking to teens.

"Play" provides a metaphor for teenagers to safely express what is bothering them without really having to talk about it. Play therapy with adolescents does not involve sitting on the floor together with a counselor playing baby dolls or army men. In play therapy with adolescents, the teen has the control what to reveal or keep hidden. Using play, sandtray figures, and expressive techniques will stimulate the teenager's desire and need to be expressive and create identity--which is central to this developmental stage. The positive therapeutic relationship that develops between a teenager and a counselor brings healing, forward movement, and relief of emotional stress. 

At The Playroom Lubbock we have Kelly Martin, a licensed professional counselor and registered play therapist trained in play therapy. She has  a "playroom" designed for play or activity therapy for preteens and teens.  

Providing optimal and collaborative therapy solutions for kids--of any age. Of any ability.