When Your Child Reminds You of Yourself

How to stay connected when old feelings get in the way

Sometimes the hardest child to parent is the one who reminds us of... us. Especially the younger version of ourselves who felt misunderstood, overwhelmed, or too much. If you're finding it difficult to connect with your child because they're "just like you," you're not alone. Here are some gentle ways to work through that:

1. Notice What's Being Stirred Up

Your child's behavior may trigger memories or emotions from your own childhood. Pause and ask:

What am I feeling right now? Is this really about them-or about me, back then?

2. Get Curious Instead of Critical

If your child's traits feel hard (sensitivity, stubbornness, fear), try to see them as adaptations.

Ask: What might this be protecting in them? What did it protect in me?

3. Offer Yourself the Compassion You Didn't Get

When old feelings come up, take a moment to soothe yourself. Remind yourself: We both deserved gentleness back then-and we still do.

4. Let Go of the Urge to "Fix" Them

Your child isn't broken-and neither were you. Instead of trying to correct what was hard for you, focus on connection. Healing happens when we're with each other, not when we're trying to change each other.

5. Take a Regulating Pause When Needed

It's okay to say, "I want to respond with love, so I'm going to take a quick breath first." This teaches your child that emotions don't have to be scary-they can be honored and handled.

6. Reach Out for Support

This kind of parenting touches deep places in us. Whether it's a therapist, a trusted friend, or your own journal, find spaces where you can feel safe and supported too.

Parenting the child you used to be is hard-and healing. You don't have to do it perfectly. Just stay open, stay curious, and give yourself grace.